Long time no think

So the radio silence on the blog pretty much reflects what's been going on in my brain of late.

Unless you count the 'background noise' of my mind. For example, I am convinced that one day I'll end up homeless or in gaol and I spend far too much time pondering how I would cope and whether I'd survive longer than 6 months (particularly in gaol - I've seen Bad Girls).

Unusually, I find myself with no interest whatsoever in teh interwebs.

Just counting down the days until I can chuck in this freaking horrible job. Two to go. What a soul destroying experience it has been. I hope I get to say as much at my farewell lunch.

No doubt the return of Australian Princess and the new season of American Idol will rejuvinate my front bench.

Fingers and toes crossed.

Champagne tastes

I think Tobias is a snob.

Only interested in playing with monogrammed champagne corks, these days.

I love my wife

Lame breakfast TV hosts: Today we're talking about hygeine and in particular, we're asking 'how clean is your fridge'?

Lame breakfast TV guest: Now not many people know this, but on average people clean their toilets 5 times more often than they clean their fridges.

Lame breakfast TV hosts: Ewww, that's gross.

The LovelyWife: That's because not many people take a crap in their fridge, morons!

Some crap I found on my phone

I could also have called this post "I don't think I'll have anything good to write until Australian Princess 2 starts"...but I guess I don't want to get your hopes up.

Hold the phone!

Beyonce and some other bird Eva Longoria to play Kitty Butler and Nan Astley in saucy lesbian movie, Tipping the Velvet?!!?

Did someone say ‘completely unlikely casting’ and 'completely unlikely Hollywood movie project'?

At first I wasn’t quite sure whether Beyonce was going to fit plausibly into a) a Victorian-era English oyster town or b) a Victorian era English theatre group.

But, being all open minded and such, I thought it would be best that I let her at least try the role, before going all judgemental on Sofia Coppola’s ass and firing up with the “not as good as the novel” or “not as good as the BBC adaptation” vitriol.

Yes, I’ll begrudgingly drag myself along to the absolute first showing of the movie just to determine once and for all, who is sexier in a corset, Beyonce or Keeley Hawes examine whether the adaptation is accurate or not.

'Your Victorian-era sex toys got me acting so crazy right now'

'Well at least I have an English accent...and can act'

Doing my bit for society, see.

Edit: Yes, I totally and completely knew this story was bollocks all along. I definitely was not suckered in. Not even just a teensy weensy bit. Not for a minute. Nuh-uh. Not me.

Sigh.

Parking I have not enjoyed reprise

And you thought I was joking when I said there would be a series on unenjoyable parking...

This was sent to me by one of my loyal army of bad-parkage-spotters a friend. So I can't take all the credit.

But I would just like to point out that the greatest proportion of these gems are from Dickson.

Ah, Dickson - just about everything I hate about Canberra in one crazy suburb.

No-horse race, thanks.

So did I mention I hate the Melbourne Cup?

I used to just hate the event itself, but each year I am becoming more and more sincerely grizzled over the senseless enthusiasm people express towards it. Senseless I tell you! Anything with a pack-mentality really sh*ts me these days and the Melbourne Cup stinks of it.

It's right up there with St Patrick's Day, Oktoberfest and New Year's Eve on the list of meaningless events that bring out my inner killjoy.

And what's with pretending like it is glamorous? Let me tell you, b*tches, the truly glamorous don't tend to hang out in an ill-fitting dress in a car park sipping pre-mixed drinks and eating party pies.

"Drunk at 11.30am - another great life achievement"

Sure, Breezers are affordable and party pies can be quite tasty, but they's aint classy.

"Eating is cheating girls!"

I tell you what is much more exciting - the US mid-term elections! (Wow! Blogger's new 'seamless segue' button really works!)

"New US $50 note design"

Just try stealing this one now, f*ck-face.


My main source of interest is probably the local consequences of a Democrat resurgence. Sure would suck to be you, asshat:

"I can't believe I forgot my tie-pin - I look ridiculous"

A US congress with the potential to impeach Bush? Now that's worth breaking out the party pies for.

More in the series "Parking I have not enjoyed"

I mean, come on!

They paint big white lines on the ground for you to aim between! How hard can it be?!?!?

And these people are allowed to vote.

Random hip-hop ecological thought

Put your carbon in the air, and let it accumulate like you just don't care!

Let's all have a hub

Yes, I know we've all seen stuff on my cat.

But here is some truly stylish stuff on cats, with the added bonus of Japlish!

1. Dress her up. Cheer or yell, do whatever you like to enjoy the moment with your family.

2. After you are enough with your joy, take a photo! Take some poses and leave her some cute photos!

3. Remove her clothes and give her a hub, say "Thank you!"

And don't forget:

You don't have to dress her everyday, in fact she might not feel comfortable with a dress on for days. Just dress her up only on special occasions like her birthday, takes a photo and that should leave you lots of memories and fantasies.

Fantasies? If you say so.

There's no cake, if that's what you're after

Dear blog – did you know we’ve been together for a year now?

Well, I’ve, had, the time of my life and I owe it all to you.

What an Idol journey we’ve had. Let’s check out the videohighlightsreel:

Remember that time we outed Alan Jones? And broke the Cheryl Kernot – Gareth Evans scandal? My what larks!

And then there was the time we got booked for speeding and unsuccessfully blamed it on another (dead) blog! I really thought we were going to get away with that. But the Daily Telegraph’s always had it in for me.

I think we made up for it by totally being the first to really predict the popularity of the whole emo thing. Our fashion posts are really top notch. We is always way ahead of the trends.

That’s why last week we celebrated our 5 billionth comment! I guess having been on the interwebs since like, 1993 the day after they invented it has really paid off for me.

Ah, Mr Bloggy. If had any mathematical sense at all I would probably try and work out exactly how much you’ve cost the tax payers in lost productivity. It probably hasn’t cost as much as to buy faulty military hardware, so it probably isn’t worth losing too much sleep over.

But I was thinking, whilst you’ve been ever so good to me there are few things I have promised you that I haven’t really come good on. Like that totally bitchin’ re-design I’ve done for your template but just haven’t uploaded yet. I know you are an old skool blog at heart, but I promise one day you’ll have some crazy animated gifs, heaps of bouncing smileys, that ‘fart button’ banner and profitable google ads to call your own.

And I almost forgot to mention our readers! I’ve been checking out our stats and I think we’re up to like, 3 now (I’ve counted hits from my work computer’s IP address as well as the home IP address, so it may be a little less than that in actual fact).

W00tski to us!

Recapping reneging

The only smile I got out of tonight’s episode of Idol was when the LovelyWife told me her shortlist of song choices for tonight’s “rock swing” theme (ie, take an ordinary song and turn it into shopping centre music):

Nine Inch Nails – Closer
Machinegun fellatio – Pussytown
Pussycat dolls - Dontcha

Imagine those songs performed 'big-band' style, it will all make perfect sense to you.

Let’s face it people, the recapping thing is ovah. A big fat fad like pole dancing, slap bands, and hyper-colour t-shirts.

Instead, please enjoy this picture of Tobias.


See? That was much more interesting than 3 pages of me saying "oh my god I hate Chris Murphy", "Lisa Mitchell only has a one-octave range" or "Damien Leith has 18th century teeth".

Up for anything

“I like a bloke who is man enough to wear pink.”

Um, it’s not a bloke, it’s a goddamn freaking bear!

What are we expected to believe here? Is it:
a) Women are so ditzy they’re not going to notice they are hitting on a bear? or
b) Women are attracted to (big, stupid, boozey, blokey, dim witted) polar bears

So it’s looking good for Australian women.

Sheer stupidity or beastiality.

Note to Idol producers: 'Acoustic' is not a genre

The recapping service is temporarily on hiatus for re-tooling.

Instead, please enjoy these complimentary Haikus.

Damien


Kannis has new teeth
A sordid film clip goes with
There’s hope yet for Leith



Chris

Known as fat Jesus
There’ll be no second coming
Let’s crucify him

Lisa

I know Haiku’s rules
But there is a dilemma
How to count snoring?

Jessica

Likened to Whitney
Her voice certainly matches
Other habits too?


Bobby

Someone once asked me
Why I am a lesbian
I showed this picture


Ricky

This man’s greatest hour
Was before he sang a note
Where are you now Jorge?



Dean

Crap crap crap crap crap
Crap crap crap crap crap sucks crap
Crap crap crap crap crap

You know you're thinking about Idol too much when...

You see a car with a sticker saying "Save Flynn School", and rather than correctly identifying this as related to the ACT Government's proposal to close nearly 40 schools, you initially think it is an advertisement for a school where you can learn how to save Bobby Flynn.

3-unit texting, anyone?

In case you like laughing...

...and reading about Idol - at the same time!

That is to say:

It's only fitting after Lavina's Jordan tribute jugs graced the stage that Ricky would follow with a song famously covered by Peter Andre.

Disco Bull

Here we are in a post-mutto world. I must say, it’s pretty darn outstanding.

Although I’m starting to think that Courtney Murphy’s brother is potentially an even larger tool, what with all the prancing around and persistent air guitar. I wish the freakishly muscley guitarist in the Idol band would show Murphy what real guitar feels like, all over his smug face.

My threshold test for a successful ‘disco’ theme night is if we can get out of this without anyone singing “I will survive”. Happy to see 8 Donna Summer performance though. We shall see.

Looks like we’re in for another massive Marcia Hines promotion. Unfortunately for Marcia, the historical footage package of her origins in the ‘70s only goes to make obvious the copious amounts of plastic surgery she’s had. Disappearing nose anyone?

Half of Courtney Murphy’s brother’s intro package was about how sick the poor tiddums has been this week, which all just seems like major spade work on the part of the producers to keep this twit in the show – “please vote for me even though I’m going to suck.”

And he doth bring the suckiness people, squeaking out a flaccid performance of Play that funky music. Even the cat’s looking a little nauseous after this tripe.

He just IS David Brent, this man. He even has the mega-shiney forehead thing going on.

I just don’t want to talk about him anymore.

On to Lavina, who is clearly the most talented singer in the competition, with Best of my love. Unfortunately, I don’t think Lavina’s picked the best of the Network Ten wardrobe, with a dress that’s dangerously close to her skin tone (not good on the wide shots).

The performance is just one long shouty glory note though. A shame really, I am still desperately trying to find someone to like this year and Lavina was almost that person.

And then Ricky Muscat ‘sang’ Get down on it, all there was great meh-ing across the land. For a moment I thought he was doing ok, and then I realised he’d stopped singing and all I could hear was the background singers. Way to suck the fun out of disco, Ricky. This isn’t just Young-Talent-Time-bad, this is high-school-talent-quest bad.

If you missed the show and you want to know what it was like, stand in front of a mirror and in a monotone voice say “get down on it” for two minutes, whilst shuffling from one foot to another and occasionally waggling your hands up and down. Perfect.
Damien Leith’s pre-performance package is another “aw, I’m so sick and can’t sing proper” whinge. But anyway, onto to the talking point for the evening - I wish I were a talented writer, because it is very hard for an amateur such as myself to describe just how ridiculous and fearfully shocking this odd circus of a performance was.

Singing Celebrate, Damien has erred terribly here and the question for the judges now is whether to acknowledge that there was never any chance of Damien singing disco well, or whether to just carpet him for what was, honestly, Daniel Belle-esque. With that falsetto voice of his, couldn’t Damien have chosen some Bee Gees?

Carpetting it is. Kyle’s “worst thing I’ve ever seen on television” was pretty harsh. Did he never see ‘Yasmin’s getting married”? Boom tish!

Half way through the show, who brought the oranges?

Now, who is policing whether the Idols’ song choices are within the theme, because I have my doubts about whether Blondie’s Heart of glass counts as ‘disco’. In any case, I think Deborah Harry is right now somewhere slashing her wrists so she can die and be buried and then roll over in her grave in response to Lisa’s teenification of the song.

Yes, this was a pretty pants performance. But seriously, does Mark Holden really expect her to go from 16 year-old Missy-Higgins-wannabe to disco diva in one week?


I expect Dean couldn’t-be-Gayer has had a tough week what with having to look outside Triple M’s play list for song choice.

So anyway, Turn the beat around people! Dean commands you!

So, a white, Christian, South African singing disco. Yes, television has reached perfection. There is nothing left to say or do. Except – a back flip.

Yes, Dean completes his performance with a back flip. Next week, Dean will swallow knives, um, balance balls on his nose, er, um, do something with no connotations at all I’m sure.

Bobby Flynn sings ‘Superfreak’ and I’m sure all sorts of jokes could be made there, and no doubt will be. But not by me. I’m just too bored. BORED. Some points to Bobby though for at least thinking about his song and doing something to it so it would suit his voice. Which would seem like the obvious thing to do, Damien Leith.

Oh dear, whilst I was typing this I got distracted by the cat eating on the power cord and didn’t notice Bobby getting a touch down. Standards are that low this year?

You know what would have been a good song choice? Abba’s Man after Midnight – what with it recently being on the radio (woah-oh-oh-oh) sampled on Madonna’s ‘Hung Up’. Too easy.

Jessica Mauboy – thank you! You have made my pre-show wish come true with some sweet sweet Donna Summer. In the words of Summer Wheatley – “Vote for Summer!”

You know, I was thinking the other day, I honestly can’t say who I think will win this year. I don’t even know who I want to win. Such a disappointment.

Things wot one shouldn't have to hear in the office #43

"That thing on my butt has turned into an abcess."

"Is that why you're walking funny?"

"Yeah."

Public holiday surcharge

No Idol recap tonight, I'm taking the long weekend off.

Although I might make one observation - a million points to the kids in the crowd with the sign featuring black texta on yellow cardboard saying "Yeah! Yellow Poster!"

The Idol theme tonight requires song choices from the year one was born - if the finalists were of my vintage, you'd expect a boatload of Queen, or Billy Joel (bottle of red....).

For shits and giggles, let's all browse a list of songs from the year of our birth and pick which one we would have sung in front of da nayshun.

Here's an el crappo website from which to make a selection (see list on right hand side).

Or alternatively, have you heard of Google? It's totally a search engine you can enter bitchin' keywords into and get 'search results'. You can't get it on floppy disk though, which is a bit of a bugger. But try it anyway.

From 1980, the LovelyWife picks "Call me" by Blondie. Not bad. Not bad at all.

My selection comes from 1978: "Hot Blooded" by Foreigner. Yes! Top that!

Dean couldn't-be-any-Gay-er may have topped it with "You give love a bad name" though.

Do you worst, best blerst people!

Second comes right after first

I hope they don't feel too bad.

They were excellent.

Well, except for all those shots on goal they missed.

But I guess one goal extra wouldn't have made a difference.

I'm sure they will take heart from being part of such an amazing Grand Final.

Football was the winner on the day.

I'm ok with West Coast winning, really!

At least it wasn't bloody Brisbane again.