Sunday, October 28, 2007

While y'all working this week...

Time for me to p1ss off on my bike for a few days.

Ta ta!

Monday, October 22, 2007

I still heart Emily

Tonight's Idol verdict show performance by the Young Divas (-Ricky Lee, +Jessica Mauboy, but still, thankfully, retaining Emily) only served to highlight how hopelessly talentless the current group of godforsaken finalists are.

Not a single finalist from this year's show can sing even half as well as the worst Young Diva on an off night, smoking a cigar and gargling the chorus of 'Achy Breaky Heart' with a mouth full of bourbon.

I think it must be time for another lolCarl.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Fresh thinking my arse

First it was pollies ripping off lolcats.

Now it's pollies ripping off the infinite cat project!

Get your own ideas and stop ripping off teh kittez!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Tax-cuts for all (straight people)

Of all the piss-weak, pathetic excuses trundled out by this Government for its failure to act on legislated discrimination against teh gays, the one that has always annoyed me most is the line that it would be 'too expensive'.

This is the idea that in providing equal access to tax-breaks and superannuation benefits, the revenue foregone would send the country crashing into bankruptcy.

In my admittedly hysterical mind, the revenue we are talking about is roughly equivalent with proceeds of crime. A windfall gain for the government sourced from the deliberate maintenance of unjust measures imposed on its citizens should not be put in the same column as general taxation revenue.

Ie, you f*ckers shouldn't be collecting that money in the first place, so don't start whinging about losing it!

This article reckons the cost to government would be about $2 billion (not clear over how long).

Seems like a lot, huh.

I just know that the boffins in the Department of Finance and Administration (DoFA - or, if you prefer, "Do F*ck All") have searched high and low, desperately trying to find the money to get the government out of this heart-breaking quandry.

But I guess they should have looked in that big barrel of hoarded surplus marked "100% pure pork".

Seems $34 billion is much easier to find than a mere $2 billion, sometimes.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Christmas has come early

A November 24 election equals a six-week election campaign, equals a six-week caretaker period!

On behalf of public servants everywhere, thanks John! Six weeks of filing and long-lunches.

And after all those things I said about you...

Man, I am going to have the tidiest desk.

While I'm here, some sites to satisfy your inner psephite:

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Just shut-up and lose already.

Image digitally enhanced. Your PM doesn't actually look this good.

The current fuss is about whether Parliament will sit next week, with K-Rudd blathering on about waste of tax-payers' dollars if the MPs fly in for a week of pointless sittings.

Apparently businesses want it out of the way soon too, so that the hoards are not distracted from the sacred annual ritual of emptying wallets and savings accounts in celebration of the birth of Christ.

My general reaction was "Meh".

But then I learnt that Aussie's (Parliament House 'cafe') doesn't know how much milk to order for next week.

It's clearly time to end the madness and uncertainty.

Just call the bloody thing and let us spank your botty good and proper, John.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Important and complex psephological post

Will Siamese twins get to vote twice at the upcoming election?

This is in really poor taste, isn't it.

Sorry, slow day.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Informed dietary choices

I overheard the following during a recent visit to the local trough 'reasonably priced cafe'.

Woman ordering from bain-marie: "I'll have the prawn and snow-pea stir fry thanks. But no rice! Oh God, rice is sooooo unbelievably bad for you. All those carbs. Yuck! No thanks...... Better also give me a spring roll.... No, make that two."

Monday, October 01, 2007

Product review - 21st century Idol analysis

If you believe what you hear, you’d think that GPS navigation devices or LCD TVs are the ‘must-have’ consumer electronics appliances at the moment.

Well, I’ve got an inside tip on what’s bound to be on everyone’s Christmas wish list this year – the Megatron4000 Electric Idol-Alike Easy-Compare Oven.

It's as nifty as it sounds, my friends.

You enter in the key characteristics of this year’s Australian Idol contestants and the Idol-Alike Easy-Compare Oven will spit out the Idol finalist from previous years they most resemble. In so doing, it fills a gaping hole in the market for automated Idol analysis.

I was provided with a demonstration model during last night's episode of Idol, for the purposes of this review, and let me tell you, the Easy-Compare Oven is a very handy addition to a viewer's suite of critiquing options.

To demonstrate, let’s enter in the key profile data for Carl Risely.

Vocal talent = -40
Originality = -50
General understanding of music beyond genre of choice = -30
Flexibility as an ‘artist’ = -15
Mediocrity = +100

Plus, following his rendition of ‘Clocks’ on Rock night, the manual tells me I have to factor in an unknown amount of the Daniel Belle variable.

And, voila!

A 98% match for 2005’s Lee Harding, described by the Idol-Alike Easy-Compare Oven in scientific terms as belonging to the genus “uno-trickus equinus”, or, in the detailed description as a “sick joke that went on far too long enough by half, resulting in arguably the world’s worst pop single (Wasabi)."


Let’s play again, this time with Jacob Butler.

The Idol-Alike Easy-Compare Oven is quite flexible in the kinds of data you can enter, so we’ll go for some different categories of information this time.

Tendency to pull annoying facial expressions while singing = +60
Vocal talent = -30
General ‘bland’/forgettable factor = +50

This time we get a 65% match for 2004’s Marty Worrall, whose ugly singing face, the Easy-Compare Oven tells us, was thought to be responsible for a number of otherwise unexplained television explosions around the country at the time.

Thanks to its constant WAPGPRS3Gtooth connection to the Binternets, the Easy-Compare Oven can keep up to date with the most recent Idol info, and so includes interesting fact snippets, like, in this instance, the fact that both Marty and Jacob have butchered “Somewhere Only We Know”.

Must-have info.

My last test-run involved Marty Simpson, and this scenario seemed to throw up an interesting glitch in the machine.

I entered in the data as per usual:

General air of grubbiness = +30
Tendency to shuffle about and mumble = +40

I expected to maybe get a 30% Dan England match, but instead I got this:

Not strictly speaking an Australian Idol finalist, but still, eerily close.

Before finishing up with the Easy-Compare Oven, I tried out one of its special features, the optional Schadenfreude add-on.

This is where you input the key characteristics of any chosen 2007 finalist and the Easy-Compare Oven cleverly assesses the level of disdain you have for that finalist.

Based on that assessment, the Easy-Compare Oven spits out a similarly droll past Idol finalist. Importantly though, the Easy-Compare Oven only selects those past Idol finalists whose exit from the show was suitably undignified and gleefully timely, to give you hope that a similar fate will befall the 2007 finalist.

So, taking the talentless, shouty, nut-job Tarasai Vushe:

Yawning schism between self-confidence and actual talent level = +100
General mania and detachment from reality = +75
Absence of vocal ability masked by predictable glory-noting and superfluous key-changes = +50

And the Schadenfreude result is:


Fingers crossed it turns out to be accurate.

Overall, I give the Megatron4000 Electric Idol-Alike Easy-Compare Oven 7/10.

Accurate enough to be entertaining, but not yet as effective an Idol critique tool as yelling at the telly and texting “wtf? I fucking hate Carl!” to your friends.