Tuesday, May 29, 2007


Must. Stop. Watching. Miami. Ink.

All I can think about is getting big, eff off tattoos all over my arms.

Just to complete the whole ‘stereotype’ look I’m after.

Furthermore, I keep throwing away perfectly good money on tattoo magazines.

LovelyWife: Can you pick up some milk on the way home?

Me: Uh, not until payday. I spent my last $30 on the latest airmail copy
of Skin Deep.

LovelyWife: Divorce!

Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that even though I sit in an office for 10 hours a day busily serving the government, I’m still some kind of underground uber-dyke.

Who am I kidding.

I am a total and utter square.

Plus, whenever I think of tattoos I just think of how terrible they can look.

Today’s koi fish is tomorrow’s faded celtic armband after all.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

If anyone is wondering - no, I for one am not getting excited about the latest opinion polls and their predictions for a Government loss at da next election. Been burnt before, etc etc.

But, has anyone else noticed a theme emerging from government MPs when answering media questions on this issue? The current government is pretty good at staying 'on message', so you don't have to watch too many doorstop interviews or read too many guest 'op-ed' pieces from MPs to work out what the message du jour is.

The theme I've noticed is that Government MPs have been quick to point out to the Australian public that if they vote in accordance with their current intentions (as reflected in polling) there will be a change in Government.

What!? No! That' can't be right? Voting for a change in government will result in a change in government? Gee, we voters sure are dumb.

Tony Abbott (just a warning, say that name 3 times in front of the mirror and the feral b*stard jumps up behind you and hacks you to pieces with a big rusty cleaver) has been particularly strong on this one:

"Just imagine replacing Howard, Costello and Downer with Rudd, Swan and McClelland. That's the fate in store for Australia if polls don't change."

Australia's Tony Abbott gets fitted with a special device which will simulate a heartbeat

Gee, thanks Uncy Tony! I would never have worked that one out for myself. You know, maybe you are right about me not being able to make decisions about my own body and reproductive health too!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

And another thing

On Saturday night, the LovelyWife and I dragged ourselves away from our usual Saturday night activities of knitting and complaining about young people (old ladies, us) to see Missy Higgins at the AIS arena.

I could make this post about how bizarre it is to watch a live performance in a converted basketball stadium, lined with rickety temporary seating, in the middle of nowhere, but this is Canberra and that is a given.

I could make this a post about people who sit at a concert watching the performance through their mobile phone while recording the whole thing for later (way to miss out on the real impact of the performance). But people are idiots, and that is a given.

Or I could make this a post about how obnoxious young people appear to have become (stop talking during the concert – I don’t give a sh*t about your planned camping trip to Splendour in the Grass, and could you please stop spilling your UDLs all over my jacket). But, as noted above, I am an old lady, and that is a given.

Instead, my chosen gripe is uptight, late-30s, overly made-up, tight-jeans and pointy boot wearing, McMansion-inhabiting women, giving me the tell-tale ‘gasp! A lesbian! Right here in River City! stare, all over the place.

Fuck off you skanky trolls! The looks we were getting, anyone would think we were at a Hillsong meeting, instead of a concert by a singer of noted ambiguous sexuality.

Gee, heading off to a Missy Higgins concert… Hmmm, never considered the possibility there might be just a couple of lesbians there?

In this case, as it happens, I am convinced that each and every lesbian in Canberra was in attendance. Judging by the looks on their faces, I think they were having a similar experience to me – ‘You mean their are other lesbians in Canberra?', etc etc.

But anyway, back to the ranting - there were evil stares coming my way in the carpark, the foyer, the bar queue, the toilet queue and the merchandising queue.

Of most amusement however, was the skanky troll giving me and the wife homophobic leers whilst we were in the bar queue.

As it happened, the wife had arranged by text message to meet up with a work colleague in the bar area. Upon collecting our outrageously priced tinnies, we wandered over to discover that the above noted skanky troll was at the concert with the wife’s work colleague.

Work colleague made obligatory introductions, leading to skanky troll being forced to actually speak with lesbians. Hah! Suck on that.

But then, she awkwardly excused herself, saying she wanted to go in and take her seat… TWO HOURS before the main act was to commence!

Gee, I hope that 2 hours of sitting in that shitty, back-breaking chair listening to the world’s pokiest support act was more tolerable than talking to us uber-dykes.


Straight people. Crazy.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Spot the difference

So, recently I noticed that this new picture of David Hicks is being used by news outlets.

As soon as I saw it, I knew it reminded me of someone, but who?!

Yeah, well.

If only it was Bernard Fanning locked up in a small room in Cuba for 5 years.

There's your injustice, right there.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Don't you wish your employees were hot like mine?

So...this afternoon I met with a soon-to-be member of my caliphate team, in my capacity as David Brent manager.

We met in a nearby cafe - it's an establishment that doesn't offer table service but charges the same as those that do 'order your coffee at the counter and take a seat' kinda place.

ANYWAY, said soon-to-be minion receives her coffee first.

Said coffee has "single?" marked into the froth.

(Soon-to-be minion being a not-altogether-unattractive young thing of a female persuasion with trendy glasses and a confident manner. Barista being of a similar description, substituting 'piercings' for 'glasses' and 'male' for 'female'.)

I wasn't really sure how to react to it, so I went with a combination of:

1) WTF?!?!?
2) Why don't I get propositions included in my coffee? Oh, that's right, the butchness.


3) WTF?!?!?

I don't know quite why, but this incident, and my reaction to it, makes me feel really old and uncool.

That's alright, I'll just take out these frustrations on the soon-to-be minion when she starts work in a couple of weeks.

That would be the mature, middle-management type thing to do.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Hey, I got a new friend

Fact 1: Australia has a pretty piss-poor rate of conversion to digital telly.

Fact 2: We could easily fix this by widely advertising the fact that the ABC2 digital-only service is currently running the first (and best) season of Degrassi Junior High in PRIME TIME!!!

The fashions! The teen-angst! The theme song! The quotes!

"C'mon Wheels, it's the '80s!!"


"Ceeetlun's a lushbeeyun"

(translated from the Canadian dialect as "Caitlin's a lesbian" - zomg, teenage personal-awakening moment relived!)

If the gummint got onto this brilliant strategy, we'd no doubt be able to bring analogue switch-off forward to, well, next month!