Thursday, April 26, 2007

Well, despite my premonitions of an awful interview, I have recently been successful in getting my filthy homosexual mitts on a management position.

Oh. My. Lord. Yes. All you people out there in taxpayer-land should be quaking in your boots. I will actually have responsibility for stuff. Scary, huh.

Anyway, I feel I have some way to go before properly qualifying as public service middle management. I mean, I have been working on my evil laugh, but so far, all I have got is a malevolent guffaw. I will also have to work on being petty, oppressed and reactionary. But, I’m still young, there’s time for me yet.

Give me 3 months and I reckon I’ll be there.

Rather than focussing on the monumental (and, just between you and me, freakishly terrifying) challenges that the job poses, I have, of course, been focussing on more important things.

Such as the fact that I shall be getting an office – yes, a 3m x 3m fish bowl domain to call my own. *Malevolent guffaw*.

And then there's my inconsolable fear of turning into David Brent. It’s gotten to the stage where I’m worried that if at any stage I do anything that might intentionally result in the people in my team liking me I’ll sprout a pot-belly, a grotesque goatee and creepy overbite.

In the interests of working on my pettiness, I’ve also been compiling a list of nasty things that my previous managers have done to me, for the purposes of taking revenge by acting them out on my fresh, new minions.

    If someone pops their head into ‘my office’ (spew, I already feel like a wanker) to say goodbye at the end of the day, my response will be to not to look up from my work and to just make some form of dismissive grunt, such as “uhh” or “nnn”. Definitely no eye-contact or actual words.

    If I have some papers or work for my staff to do I’ll just throw it at them on my way past without stopping or saying anything.

    If caught out being late on a deadline in front of a senior manager, I’ll just lie and say that I’d sent the work to one of my staff who has failed to do it – in front of that staff member!
    If I have staff that do an earlier set of hours than me (ie, get in at 8, leave at 5), I’ll saunter in at 9.45 and then big-note myself for staying later than everyone when I stay back, just to do my hours. I’ll also make sure to drop hints and comments to my staff suggesting they are slackers for leaving at 5, regardless of how early they got in.

    Everything will be below me, including reading basic instructions and circulars – instead I’ll just bellow loudly to my team asking them really stoopid questions that I could answer myself if I bothered to scroll down all the way through an email.

    I’ll take 3-hour lunches during busy periods, just because I can.

    I’ll spend 2 hours each morning joking around lamely with my team trying desperately to get them to like me, while back in my office are 15 urgent things I need to look at – then, at the end of the day, when the poo hits the fan, I’ll get my team to stay back late to help me get those 15 urgent things done in time.

And that’s just the stuff I didn’t have to have repressed memory therapy for.

The best part is that now the LovelyWife and I are both filthy, stinking bourgeois middle-management! How good is that. Come the revolution, we'll be first up to the gallows, no doubt.

Better yet, we'll both now have staff to whinge about to each other..."and then, I made her cry again when I told her I was going to fire her tomorrow if she didn't alphabetise my paperclips - hahahahahahaha!"

I say we should fight them and see who wins.

Although, my money would be on her mob – by the sounds of it, a couple of her team could easily be characters on My Name is Earl, whereas I think my team are more likely to be characters from, well, The Office.

And people doubted me when I said I was moving to Canberra to join the public service. Just look at what I have achieved...

    Monday, April 23, 2007

    Reality TV posts/stories whose titles are puns on 'Reality Bites', bite

    Wow! Did we not watch Big Brother last night, or what!

    So we were definitely not blown away by any surprises that may have been announced.

    We did not have any strong feelings towards any of the housemates.

    And we certainly were not amused/appalled/bemused by Gretel’s outfit.

    Hey, looks like not watching Big Brother is exactly the same as watching Big Brother!

    Thursday, April 19, 2007

    Random crap from my camera-phone pt 2

    Because blogging has taught me that if I don't have anything bad to say, I shouldn't say anything at all.

    Monday, April 16, 2007

    Eat sh*t and die play

    Hot new trend in children’s toys – eating sh*t.

    For realz.

    Even from this most crappy youtoob movie (I can't believe it isn't more widely available, it is freakin' hilarious) you can see the hours of fun your chidlers will have feeding the doggy, pumping his tail and collecting his little chocolate tic tacs plastic poos.


    Why go to the park and play with your real dog, when you can stay in and pretend to live your life.

    However, a bit more investigating reveals this toy only comes with one kind of brown pellet.

    The set doesn’t come with separate food and poo pellets - they are the same freaking pellets.

    So essentially we are teaching children to feed dogs their own poo.

    I haven’t been this disturbed since the unfortunate Joe Hockey + speedos incident.

    Tuesday, April 10, 2007

    Notes to, and forming part of, the financial statements

    Today, we are going to look at some accounting basics – I share them with you in the hope they will prevent you from suffering the same losses I have.

    I take as my example, the film Friends with money.

    First of all, I would like to make clear some of the basic assumptions underlying my calculations.

    Namely, that despite their inherent value:

    1 x Joan Cusack


    1 x Frances McDormand

    WILL NEVER offset the negative equity of

    1 x Jennifer Aniston

    Let’s look more closely at the correct treatment of Jennifer Aniston, shall we? You may think that, being a completely empty vessel, incapable of conveying any complexity of character, would mean that she attracts, as an ‘asset’, a neutral value, at worst. Further, you might assume that this asset might attain maturity over time.

    Don’t feel bad if you got caught out here, it is a common error.

    You have to keep in mind the Cusack/McDormand matrix set out above.

    Inclusion of Jennifer Aniston in your balance sheet will ALWAYS result in an operating loss, no matter how strongly your other current and non-current assets may be appreciating in value and no matter how robust your risk management plan is.

    I stress, Jennifer Aniston must always be classed as a contingent liability, or, if you like to push the accounting boundaries, as an impaired intangible.

    Now, I know there is an ongoing dialogue about the merits of moving away from cash-based accounting towards accrual accounting.

    I think in this particular instance, we can plainly see the value of accrual accounting in providing a more accurate and holistic representation of the fiscal position that a viewer of this film finds themselves in on completion of the reporting period.

    For instance, whilst in cash accounting terms, we only lost $5.95 (being the expense of leasing the film), when we use the principles of accrual accounting (calculating all forms of loss, whether cash-based or otherwise), we can see that there are additional costs associated with depreciation of enjoyment of life, including:

    Loss of 88 perfectly good minutes of a human life


    Loss of approximately 17 other minutes spent recalling how appallingly stinky this movie was.
    When expensed in real terms, all adds up to one big stinking pile of sh*t.

    Let’s not forget that there are no revenues (or indeed, any positive in-flows) to offset these massive losses.

    So, looking at the bottom line, we don’t even have enough petty snipes cash to launch legal proceedings for mistake of fact against Margaret Pomeranz for giving this movie 4 stars.

    Learn from my mistakes people, lest you become similarly morally bankrupt.

    Wednesday, April 04, 2007

    Supplementary disambiguation

    Further to my previous, hard-hitting expose of the office sign, it seems things here have taken a turn for the worse unbelievably whacko.

    A new sign has appeared in our diseased heck-hole 'kitchen'.

    As you can see, it features a photo of the kitchen, in what I can only presume is the clean and tidy state which the anonymous freak sign-poster thinks is what we should all be aiming for:

    I'm tempted to print off and post up a sign suggesting that: "So that we can all enjoy our day at work without feeling like we are being watched at all times, please seek help for your chronic nagging problem and leave us all the f*ck alone."

    I don't think I will though as I am worried about clogging up the walls in there what with the other new addition - this hilarious plaque.

    Oh dear - my guts have just spilled out all over the floor. Seems my sides have split, yet again.

    Better clean it up!