Wednesday, September 26, 2007

It's a LolCarl!

No idea what I'm talking about? Context.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Poll Pole position

A tale of two Aussie underdogs, charging towards certain victory…

Young Kevin Casey has been followed closely by many commentators fans as he worked his way up through the Department of Foreign Affairs 250cc championship and then a high-profile stint as foreign affairs spokesman for the opposition debut season in the premier class of motorcyle racing, MotoGP, which featured a few spectacular learning curves.

Promoted to the leadership front-running Ducati team for this year, Kevin Casey surprised everyone leaping to the top of the polls standings with early popularity gains wins on the clearly dominant Ducati machine.

It was at this stage that the Government his detractors and rivals attributed Kevin's Casey's success to the honeymoon effect extra top-speed the Ducati had compared to rival machines.

But he kept on delivering positive polling results winning, with victories in Qatar, Shanghai and Instanbul.

Then the press his detractors claimed that once the Budget was delivered Moto GP circus moved to the tight, twisty European circuits, which lacked the long straights on which the Ducati had shown early-season dominance in Qatar, Shanghai and Instanbul – then the Government would receive a massive poll bounce Casey would succumb to the more talented and technically proficient riders.

But they were wrong, as Kevin’s continued rise as preferred PM Casey's stunning victory in Catalunya, backed up next round at a very wet Donnington Park demonstrated.

Still his detractors insisted he would suffer from scandalous revelations about his past fall behind, run out of fitness and get complacent. But poll race after poll race, he piled on the points.

Coming into this last weekend, there were great expectations that a positive poll result would see Kevin's Casey's rivals lose their nerve and call an early poll and allow him to run away with the victory Championship.

After all, the previous race, in Misano, had seen 4-time election winner 7-time world champion and current electoral championship rival John Howard Valentino Rossi suffer a complete brain engine failure causing him to announce his retirement in the next term retire from the race.

Everyone had expected Howard Rossi to claw back some points after the APEC Leaders’ week introduction of pneumatic valves to his Yamaha YZR M1's engine. Add to this that Kevin Casey had piled on a massive 19-point 2 party preferred Newspoll lead 85-point championship lead and it seemed like the election championship was in the bag.

But, over the weekend, some stunning Newspoll results improvements from Valentino’s Yamaha led to a bout of crowing thrilling win for Kevin's Casey’s main rival.

This led to fervent speculation that the election Casey's ultimate victory would be delayed until after the next sittings round in Motegi, this weekend.

But Kevin Casey still commands a 10-point 2 party preferred lead 76-point championship lead with only 3 races to go.

Surely now we can prepare the ground for Kevin's Casey's triumphant arrival at the Lodge the Australian GP at Phillip Island in October as super-duper PM World Champion 2007?

Although history sounds a cautionary note for Kevin Casey. Who could foreget when in 2001 the Opposition leader at the time championship leader Nicky Hayden looked destined for victory only for that effing Tampa boat to float into Australia's waters his team mate to spectacularly take him out of the race!

Millions wait in anticipation!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Fear and loathing

I came to a sobering realisation last night.

Despite all my fretful, paranoid self-chastisement upon each and every optimistic thought.

Despite the hours spent going back over old news articles and blog posts from October 2004, in an attempt to re-live the sting and despair.

Despite the analysis of the ‘softness’ of the current polls, which should really have brought me back down to earth.

I admit it.

I have gotten my hopes up.

"Yeah baby! This thing is in the bag! Nothing could possibly go wrong now!"

I guess it might seem like there is nothing wrong with this.

But the dreadful depression that followed the 2004 result was, I think, made so much worse by the fact that I had somehow deluded myself into thinking there was a chance of ALP victory.

"Wow, you really ARE stupid, aren't you?"

And can you imagine how much worse it would be this time?

There’s such a feeling around the place that a change is a foregone conclusion, any victory for the Government will be doubly revolting. The crowing and bleating will just be unbearable.

A coaching suggestion made to football teams that have won the minor premiership and are facing the prospect of complacency in the finals series is that they should carry a brick around with them at all times.

Having used all my spare bricks for throwing off the overpass at 4WDs, maybe I should stick this photo up at my desk, to bring me back down to earth.

But people might get the wrong idea.

It is for these reasons I am undecided about whether attending any election parties is a good idea.

Who can forget 2004 when it was all freaking over before the party pies had even defrosted?

I guess, in the end, defeat is defeat and I am just deluding myself even further if I think I can mentally prepare for that outcome.

I'll have to come up with some way of coping. I think I'll choose....crack-smoking!

"Congratulations girlfriend. You worked it out."

Seems to be all the rage these days.

The least they could do is call the bloody election. I've been doing the slow hand-clap for about a month now but it doesn't seem to have worked.

At the moment it's like peeling off a really sticky band-aid, reeeeealllly slowly. Just rip the fucker right-off, Johnny!

"Nah, fuck ya!"

Yeah, well. The feeling's mutual, fuck-face.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Oh dear.

I went and missed failed to watch Idol last night.

Pretence of woe, teeth-gnashing, etc.

(Just because I really do love a pun) Last night staying home to watch Idol lost out to going out to watch a performance by my idol.

I finally saw Tori Amos live in concert, leaving me with a much shortened list of things I must do before dying.

Holy. Heck.

What monstrously talented and straight-out amazing performer. Topped off by a sequinned American flag asymmetrical jumpsuit and incredibly rare live performance of Me and a Gun.

I was in Tori-fan heaven.

Words are failing me, so I'm just going to go off to the side here and drool and sigh for a little while.






But, I know y'all didn't come here for the fawning.

Y'all are after some good-old fashioned, mindless and not at all well-informed hatin'.

The good news there is that I did manage to see Carl Risely’s performance before leaving home last night.

After witnessing him vomit up Coldplay's Clocks (this is 'rock', how?), there'll no doubt be some Carl-apologists saying in his defence that night’s theme of ‘rock’ clearly doesn’t fit his performance style.

News flash! There will only ever be one night that fits his performance style! And that's if the producers choose to have a banal-swing-pap night this year! Finger crossed.

Speaking of those fine, genius producers at Idol, kudos for choosing last night’s show to launch the new product tie-in with Head & Shoulders.

Nothing says ‘rock ‘n roll’ like anti-dandruff shampoo.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Poll dive

Recently leaked Crosby-Textor analysis has revealed the following reasons the electorate I despise Carl Risely:
  • The hat
  • The song
  • The complete lack of talent
  • The hat
  • The artless mimicking of my mortal enemy, Michael Buble
  • The rancid jingoism and exploitation of being in the Navy (you play a freaking trumpet, you retard!)
  • The hat
Also, Carl, when asked why you chose Waltzing Matilda did you have to say “because I’m Aussie”?

I mean, I never would have guessed you are. Not with the show being called FRICKIN’ AUSTRALIAN IDOL or anything.

But, obviously, Carl thinks this says something about his personality. And, despite the obvious point that highlighting an attribute that is common to about 20 million people shouldn’t suffice as a means of distinguishing yourself amongst a group of 12 people, I think it does say something about his personality.

Pictorially, some other people happy to select "Aussieness" as a defining characteristic:

'Nuff said, Carl.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Most money spent on advertisements, evah!

The real joy of having 653 trillion television channels (c/o Foxtel), is not so much that I have now multiplied by 653 trillion times the odds that I’ll be able to watch back to back Hogan’s Heroes at any given time on any given day.

Rather, it is that I will truly be getting value for my tax-dollar through maximum exposure to all those useful ‘government information campaigns’ (certainly never to be referred to as ‘political advertisements').

There’s the very useful ‘NetAlert’ advertisements, featuring an endless supply of young children with computer monitors for faces.
The waiting list for elective plastic surgery is truly shocking

And, just so you know, we have been able to have several, very constructive conversations with Tobias about drugs, thanks to the helpful hints in the government information campaign on drugs. Tobias now knows how hurtful he can be when he is coming down off catnip. And how stealing my Christmas savings to buy liver-treats is not cool.

I sleep well at night knowing that he is no longer at risk of selling his body on the street for drug money.

There's also the 'Know where you stand' campaign:

I particularly like how the slogan features on a post-it note. Post-its are normally used as reminders, so it makes sense. As in "must stick a post-it note up at my desk to remind me to calculate how much worse off I'll be under an AWA".

Or perhaps it is a representation of how much standing the advertisement's promises have in the event I do end up worse off under an AWA. As in "Oh, those promises about protecting your rights didn't mean anything. They were only ever on a post-it."

However, by far the most prominent of the ‘information campaigns’ would have to be the television advertisements ‘informing us’ of “Biggest reforms to superannuation, evah”.

Joe, the 53 year-old soon-to-retire hardware merchant, who’ll now be able to draw upon his superannuation tax-free, keeps popping up all over the joint. Just today, I saw him wedged between double-entendres on Will & Grace, propping up the Nuremburg Trials on the History Channel, and catching the bouquet at the end of Bridezillas (I’m off sick, so I have been able to sample the full range of delights offered by modern culture today).

Not so prominent, but equally memorable, is Julie, a receptionist at a medical centre, who doesn’t yet want to retire, but would like to cut back her work to three-days a week.

Both 'campaings' feature comforting, non-confrontational scenes of very ordinary Australians getting on with life in a completely non-fussed, contented way. Real ‘relaxed and comfortable’ type stuff, and something we can only expect to see more of as the Government attempts to build a platform of perceived prosperity upon which to launch massive scare campaigns (flesh eating unionists, the ALP killed Princess Diana, Kevin Rudd eats baby seals, etc etc).

All I can think of though is Joe, the 53-year old former hardware merchant, who had to close his small suburban hardware business when a Bunnings opened up nearby, completely undercutting his profit margins with massive loss-leading discounts. Joe, who had planned to retire at 53, lost a bundle trying to stay in business and now works 10-hours a day 6-days a week as a casual at that Bunnings, selling cheap, $15 electric drills and dangerously sub-standard electrical fittings. He'll have to work until he is 67 in order to cover the loss of savings incurred when his business went under.

Or Julie, who does work 3 days a week at the local medical centre, but spends it processing invoices for medical consultations charged at twice the AMA rate (with no bulk billing) and turning away those people who can’t pay up front (even if they are oozing strange substances or barely able to walk). She’s become quite good at getting through to people who are in considerable pain and discomfort, to communicate to them exactly which local buses (which run 2-hourly) will drop you off near the emergency department of the nearest public hospital, 35 minutes away.

But obviously, I am mis-thinking. I haven’t been paying enough attention to the ‘information campaigns’, which explicitly tell me that ‘everything is fine’ and we’re all going to be perfectly happy just as long as we have an over-taxing government that tries to convince us we are lucky when they sell us back our own money rather than spend it on services extra $14 a fortnight in tax-cuts.

Must get back to the TV.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

If only one-trick ponies were falling foul of the current bout of horse-sniffles (zing, etc etc).

Carl Riseley - Really looking forward to Emo night

The real tragedy of the canning of the Midday Show is that without a natural home, these middle of the road, personality-free-zone crooners are popping up all over the joint on Australian idol.

Carl Riseley - you bring shame on our roughly corresponding names.

Statistical breakdown of my reaction to Idol this year so far:

  • Apathy - 25%
  • Middling levels of disappointment mixed with apathy - 45%
  • Uncontrollable gas - 10%
  • Continuing hatred of Marcia - 5%
  • Personal disappointment with how things turned out with Husny - 5%
  • Allergic reaction to Daniel Mifsud - 10%