Wednesday, June 28, 2006

It's time to go...

I give two points for nomination to stupid-freaky-workmate for being a stupid-freaky-workmate.

This morning he came in and the first thing he said was:
"so, I see we still have computers on this planet. Nothing has changed since yesterday"

Shut up!

So yeah, two points for nomination for making me feel uncomfortable in the house office.

Text 'stupid-freaky-workmate' to 199EVICT!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

I need a quick show of hands...

Ok, time for a quick survey.

Do you think it is tacky/unacceptable/inappropriate for people to have pinned up at their desks at work ultrasound photographs of their unborn child?

This is apparently all the rage at the LovelyWife's place of employ and for her, it is akin to pinning up one's gall-bladder scans or brain MRI results.

I guess I don't see it as much in the medical sense as she does - more akin to just a regular photo of a child. I also suggested that maybe she needs to relax, just a little bit...

And what better way to seek resolution of this meaningless and insignificant difference of opinion than by seeking the views of complete strangers!!!

A great tragedy has befallen this country...

No, not the f*cking football result (f*ckety f*ck f*ck).

I'm talking about this:

7:30 pm
Channel Nine
Hey Hey By Request No. 2 (60 mins, Rated: G)
Genre: Comedy

Daryl Somers presents a one-hour special featuring the most viewer-requested segments chosen from Hey Hey It's Saturday over the past two decades. Includes What Cheeses Me Off, The Shove Boat, Jacki MacDonald, Chevy Chase, Take That, Christina Applegate and other classic funny bits.

"Genre: Comedy" ?!?!?!!?

I'll say it again: "?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

Also, it claims to be "the most viewer-requested segments". I hope to high heaven that these aren't recent requests. I don't think I could go on knowing that people are requesting this pap still.

I mean, if people want to request televisual horror, there are plenty of more recent examples to choose from. Comedy Inc, Clever or a couple of hours of Jessica Rowe's honking laugh on Today...

Thursday, June 22, 2006

I don't like those odds

There have been 9 Big Brother evictees so far and each time, Centrebet has correctly picked the person to go by giving them the shortest odds.

So anyway, Centrebet are currently offering $1.57 on the Coalition to win the next election, with the ALP at $2.25.


Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Give your whistle to your guide dog, ref!

I've been trying to avoid getting angry about the 'refereeing' of Australia's World Cup matches so far.

After all, Australia won the match against Japan despite a massive refereeing blunder gifting Japan a goal. And Australia lost against Brazil because of missed chances in front of goal, not the 25-9 free-kick count that went against them.

Besides which, there's something a bit "bad-sport" about whinging about the ref.

But you have to wonder when you read about the carryings on of mega-c*nt Markus Merk, who officiated the Australia-Brazil whistle-fest earlier in the week:

Merk for allegedly [told] Kewell he would not play against Croatia when responding to the abuse, leaving the official open to accusations of pre-meditation in reporting Kewell.

"He basically said: 'Your World Cup is over', and that Harry would not play again," said a teammate, speaking on condition of anonymity.

So, he had it in for Kewell. But that's not the worst part:

FIFA insiders suggest Merk changed his story when he realised his role at the tournament might be threatened after his performance in refereeing the Australia-Brazil game.

So he knew he was sh*t, and tried to cover his arse by reporting Kewell. Niiiiice.

Kewell is understood to have been furious after the 2-0 loss because Merk was congratulating Brazilian players on their win. Merk oversaw a 25-9 penalty count in Brazil's favour.

Yes, I can understand that - "congratulations Brazilians on that win I gifted you". Hey Merkin Merk, see those big yellow signs all around the ground? They are the FIFA FAIR PLAY signs, dickwad. Look it up, it says something about impartial refereeing.

And it's not just the parochial, jingoistic Australian press that noticed the blindingly obvious bias in the refereeing - which makes me feel less like a whinging sore loser:

Brazil, the aristocrats, seemed to be given free-kicks whenever an Australian breath blew across the pitch.

But anyway, it absolutely stinks that after all the anguish and angst socceroos supporters have been through to see their team finally get to the finals, the fate of the team could have been determined by this freak, and not the usual factors, such as Tony Vidmar (poor Tony) giving away a spot-kick or Bresciano skying the ball over the cross-bar again and again...

PS Points to Kewell for the nature of his outburst to Merkel after the match - he apparently said to Merkel "you're fucking shit", several times, which is funny because, *snigger*, two swears at once!

Monday, June 19, 2006

We wuz robbed

I don't feel like I can make fun of freaky tourette's John from Big Brother, so instead, I'm going to make fun of those nasty Brazilians.

So, spot the difference:

And again:

I know it's hard to split them, but try your best.

Friday, June 09, 2006

I call this meeting to or-diddly-order

So this new job involves a LOT of meetings. And a lot of ‘pre-meeting’ meetings (something about strategy, don’t ask me).

But anyway, the point of this is to jot down three observations from a meeting this morning:

1. A guy in a poo-brown double-breasted suit and a green shirt had one really long hair growing out of his eyebrow – it was about 5cm long I reckon. Best bit was it looped out in front of his face and back down into his eye. He didn’t seem to notice though. I was sitting side-on from him so I was transfixed;

2. A woman brought along a small leather pencil case full of her favourite pencils (yes, pencils). I’m intrigued – convenient, but definitely kooky and my question is, how many pencils do you need in a 45-minute meeting?; and

A guy with a flat-top haircut and a handle-bar moustache was making a sketch of the person across from him (who he’d only just met) in his notebook. And he wasn’t trying to do it surreptitiously, he was sketching for a bit then looking up at the person, sketching, looking up, and so on and so forth.

Crazy Canberrans.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006


You know that line of thought which says that you are able to tell whether someone is an optimist or a pessimist according to whether they think the glass is half-full or half-empty?

Well, nothing sh*ts me more than twee, trite nonsense such as this.

It really isn't such a deep question when you think about it.

A glass will always be half-full if you are filling it at the time. Ie, you are aiming to get the glass full, so half-way there is half-full.

Likewise, if you are aiming to empty a glass, half-way there is half-empty.

The appropriate description is dependent on the objective.

I mean, sure, you could be all 'normal' and relaxed about this and just take a commonplace saying for its intended meaning...

But I prefer the unnecessarily cynical and picky approach every time, thanks.

That is all.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Go sport!

The LovelyWife and enjoyed quite a marvellous footy match today, with the Swans (after predictably throwing away an early lead) managing to get their sh*t together for long enough in the final quarter to get up over the NorthMelbourne-WesternSydney-Canberra-maybeGoldCoast Kangaroos.

The sun was shining, beer was flowing in cans, pies were plentiful...ah, bewdy.

But can someone please explain what it is that makes people dress up in all their rugby union or rugby league supporters' gear when going to an AFL match?

And I'm not just talking about someone wearing a cap that happens to have their league team's colours or logo.

I'm talking about the people I saw today, who have obviously scraped together all their supporters' gear, such as the woman wearing a Brumbies jersey, under a Brumbies jumper, with a Brumbies scarf and a Brumbies hat!

Or the guy wearing a Raiders jersey (1989 stylie) with a Raiders hat under a Raiders beanie.

So I don't think that it is the case they had nothing else to wear. This appears to be pretty deliberate.

I just wanted to go up to these morons and shake them by the shoulders:

"What are you trying to say here?! Who exactly are you supporting? Sport in general? Do you really think it is possible to support 'sport'?!?!"

I really do not get it. If you like the Brumbies so much, why don't you just f*ck off to one of their matches and leave your seat free for an AFL fan?!

I understand that in StinkTown Canberra, we don't get that much AFL, so all those West Australians, South Australians and Victorians exiled here get to come along and give their Weagles, Port or tattered old Collingwood jersey an airing. This I understand.

I mean, at least they are wearing gear from the same sport they are watching. At least they are close.

But then again, Brumbies supporters in Canberra have always been insufferable - thinking that maybe, if they buy up really big on pointless merchandise (like Brumbies numberplates) they'll look like proper rugby fans, even if they've never had anything to do with rugby until the Brumbies started winning and they started going to matches...

Friday, June 02, 2006

If I was ever to turn...

Well, that's not really likely, but OHMYGOD I love Paul Keating:

Howard has certainly shifted our moral compass, he has burnt our soul, he has played to the basics of human instincts, he has ... turned our sense of fairness and egalitarianism on its head

Hmmm, although I'm wondering if he meant to say "basest of human instincts".

Anyway, all of you who were of voting age at the 1996 election - shame on you!

He also brings up an area in which I think the current ALP leadership have been criminally negligent - combatting this notion Howard has managed to drive into the voters' minds that only the Coalition can manage the economy:

"The huge reform that occurred in the life of the Keating government, as distinct from the Hawke-Keating government, have underpinned the 15-year expansion," the former Labor leader said.

All this at the launch of a new book on our current and previous PMs.

The best bit though, was Keating's verdict on the book:

"Would I write a better book? Of course I would. I am a better writer and I know more," he said.

Forget Shorten, forget Grubbard Gillard, bring back Paul!

A labor leader with confidence? *Swoon*