Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Really, really random stuff

Been spending a lot of time up at ‘da House’ lately.

I seem to have a distinct talent for almost colliding with MPs in the corridor. Seems I know precisely which blind corners to take at precisely what time, to ensure I have to do some awkward corridor dancing with ‘important people in a hurry’.

The list so far includes:
• Bill Heffernan
• Helen Coonan
• Barnaby Joyce (he was sweaty, *shudder*)
• Bronwyn Bishop
• Peter Garrett

All but the last have given me the squinty-eyed “what’s that lesbian doing in Parliament House” leer, on their way past. Or at least, that's what my paranoia likes to believe.

ANYWAY, laydeez, you know that unwritten rule of toilet etiquette, whereby if there are more than 3 or 4 cubicles (which are empty), it is rather bad form to walk straight in to one that has just been vacated by someone else?

Well, I reckon there is such a rule anyway. Some wierd extension of personal space.

The point is, this lady obviously doesn't think there is such a rule:

Check out my ghetto blaster, bitchez. Is tiny to makes my hairz look bigga, yeah!

One particularly exciting evening in da House of late, she high-tailed it at a rate of knots into a toilet cubicle I had just vacated, while it was still flushing.

As has already been suggested to me, she must like a warm seat or something.

Next random thing.

There is quite a high turn-over of security guards at the front desk of my office building (must be the 10-hours a day of sitting and staring at a door, who'da thunk?)

I’ve had my suspicions for some time that these guards have all been sourced from “Surly Lesbionic Security Guards R Us”, or some such similar company, given the steady supply of short-haired, pierced-faced lasses with a penchant for uniforms with shiny badges.

Thing is, I’ve obviously been identified as the token dyke in the building because each day I get greeted with a hearty “hey, howya doin?”, in complete contrast to the regular grunty-like greeting afforded ‘regular’ employees (if they are lucky).

At first I just put it down to the fact that one of the guards was into bikes, and obviously noticed me walking into the building in my bike gear. But it has gone a bit further than that of late.

On Mondays there’s quite often a “how was your weekend? Get up to any mischief? Eh?” *wink wink*. Also, all too often I’ll also receive an unsolicited run-down of the guard’s weekend, with very unsubtle references to local gay bars or events.

My favourite to date has been:

“So I didn’t see you at the bike and tattoo show at the weekend. I won a prize!”

The thing to know here is that I know this guard doesn’t own a motorbike, making this comment very ink-specific.

However, what really topped it off was one morning recently when a new guard was at the desk – I’d never spoken to her or seen her before but she nevertheless gave me a big hearty greeting and called me by my first name.

Seems that the security guard handover for my office building includes an exhaustive briefing on the names and faces of all known lesbians…

Last random thing

Tobias poses for a lolcat picture. Suggestions for captions are welcome.

My ideas to date: “Oh hi. I cleaned ur pans”.

Or, “Iz in ur drawz, lickin ur panz”


LaLa said...

My vote for the second caption, I am unable to come up with my own. Just not snappy enough!

I had an uncomfortable toilet incident once. 4 toilet cubicles, all empty except mine. Heard the bathroom door and presumed they popped into another cubicle. Finished my business and walked out to find OTHER PERSON STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CUBICLE DOOR.

Is that odd? I found it odd.

And it been at least a couple of minutes, because I was trying to avoid work and was just sitting there like checking out the state of my nails and shredding toilet paper.


Zoe said...

Wait til you pop down for a coffee and fall over Alexander Downer. Ewww

Bernice said...

"Iz not really here."

& having been mowed over by Vanstone in the now-gone Woolies in Manuka, don't stand between that woman & whatever it is she's after...unless you're from Surly Lesbionic Security Guards R Us”.

Bernice said...

& Coooonnniieee's caption? "Government announces new audio transmission break-through."

TimT said...

Could you see your reflection in Garret's shiny chrome-dome, or had he forgotten to wax it that morning?

Former colleague.... said...

"makez me dinners plz"
"kat dishwahser, lolz"
"where's u keepz teh fud?"

seepi said...

OH Wow - I never knew about this toilet etiquette thing...although it does seem a little unnatural.

I also think it is a little wierd to pick the toilet right next to someone else if there are rows of empties.

shula said...

I'm enormously taken by the term 'ink-specific'.

I'm off now, to find something I.S. to do with myself.

That hopefully won't involve a compass.

JahTeh said...

This post is full of facts I really didn't need to know except one, do the pollies not have a pr0n lock on their computers? Tell, you're right on the spot and I have to know if Steve Fielding (never run into him, run him down)is telling porkies.

Lolcat, "Kin I haz mor pleez?"