Thursday, December 22, 2005

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


For Braecrest Darcy Sebastian, who has left us for the big, dogs-only RSL club in the sky.

May your whiskey glass always be full.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


A list of things you notice when you’re off work sick and lounging around at home:

1. You can fill the entire day watching news on free to air TV these days. This kind of repetition is a good way to make everything important seem mundane.

2. The devil has made himself into human form and is going under the name of ‘Dr Phil’.

3. All the women in Oprah’s audience are made of plastic (either that, or they spend 5 hours in make-up before the show – get a life, bints!)

4. Judging by the frequency with which the kids that go to the school across the road from my place are out in the playground, it is fair to say that school kids are lazy and don’t work hard enough.

5. The school across the road obviously knew I was going to be at home sick yesterday. Why else would they have decided to schedule a visit from the fire brigade and police? Those pesky emergency services were in on the whole scam and so proceeded to demonstrate their sirens to all the kids over and over again, negating any chance of me falling into a medication-induced slumber. Jerks.

6. Dial-up sucks.

7. Monty Python’s The Life of Brian has dated badly and is the antithesis of funny.

8. Despite rumours to the contrary, you can still buy some really really strong painkillers without a prescription. Not such a good idea to try and drive the oven after taking some.

9. I would go insane as a housewife. Either that, or I would turn into a Stepford wife (by which I mean I would have to get my brain removed in order to survive).

Friday, December 09, 2005

Cheap visual gag #27

I have to say, that any news about Mel Gibson always gives me a funny feeling. A bad funny feeling. One might even describe it as a homicidal feeling. But I don’t know if he’s worth it – I normally save those special feelings for jerk-colleagues.

But news he is developing a movie set during the holocaust is particularly worrying (because you just know it will be an entirely tasteful, subtle and restrained treatment of the subject matter that won't in anyway offend holocaust survivors or jews).

But anyway, the whole point of this post is to display the following picture of Mel, after being reunited with his long lost twin brother (nice segue, huh!):

Enjoy your Friday!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Step, turn, pivot, turn, pivot, step, pause!

There’s a flyer in the kitchen here at my workplace the Temple of Doom TM for the local community education program.

The program includes courses such as:

- Touch Typing
- Medieval and Renaissance Cooking (I hope the participants aren’t allowed to use electricity, clean water or food stuffs that aren’t contaminated with bubonic plague); and
- Picture Framing For All (which I guess is way more inclusive than those other framing courses, such as Picture Framing for CEOs and Picture Framing for the Danish Royal Family )

Of interest to me though, is Introduction to Street Funk Dancing :

Hip-hop your way to a funky, high-energy hour of fun, fun, fun! Come learn basic street funk moves taught to pop and hip-hop music.


I don’t know whether it is a suppressed ambition to be a back-up dancer in video clips (and therefore be involved in those funky ‘dance-off’ type situations), or a sign I am turning into a total and complete social outcast (“what do you mean, ‘turning’?!?!”), but I’m really thinking about getting some leg warmers, a couple of sweat bands, and a Fame-style cut-off sweat shirt and signing up for this course.

I've never done any dancing before (I don't think bush-dancing in 3rd grade, or drunken dancing at Caesar's counts). So this would all be totally new to me.

What do you think?

Is this:

a) Likely to turn me into one of those tragic ‘dance group’ type of people so famously parodied in the video clip to Fatboy Slim’s Praise You?

b) Likely to turn me into one of those hot, muscly dancers you see in various video clips?
c) Likely to get me divorced? Or
d) Likely to turn me into a cult hero like Napoleon Dynamite after his on-stage funk-dance explosion?

Any Stink Town locals who want to join me in this artistic endeavour are more than welcome! Although I understand that the more likely outcome here is complete ostracism.

Fine! Laugh! See if I care!

I guess we all have to suffer for our art

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Last night I dreamt I turned up to my interview and had forgotten to wear pants...

Don’t ya hate it when, during a job interview:

• You get half way through a really long, rambling incoherent answer and you realise you’ve pretty much forgotten what the question was…

• You get half way through a really long, rambling incoherent answer and you look up to see the interviewers furrowing their brow in a quizzical, ‘wtf?!?!’ kind of way…

• You get half way through a really long, rambling incoherent answer and you break out in a fit of spoonerisms“in soing do, I have skooved my prills in various oral communitashion tenkniques….”

• You have worked before with the interviewers so you really can’t make a single thing up in any of your answers (so annoying!)…

• In one of your long, rambling incoherent answers, you choose to talk about a task you worked on in partnership with one of the interviewers, and you look up to see them with one eye-brow raised, and a look on their face that says “there’s no way you had that much responsibility/showed that much initiative/were that successful”….

• You see said interviewer writing a note and passing it to the other interviewers during the above, possible inaccurate representation of a joint work task…

• They ask the one question you knew you would stuff up so decided not to prepare for it in the blind hope they wouldn’t ask it… then you stuff up that answer…

Don’t ya hate it when, after a job interview:

• People ask you how you went and, holding back the tears of stress/fear/embarrassment, you say “oh, not so great actually, I was a little disappointed with my answers” – then they say “I’m sure you did fine”…. What are you basing that on!?!? You weren’t there to hear me talk about government when they asked about industry! You weren’t there when I just froze in the middle of a question and they had to ask if I needed a drink and some fresh air!!! Stop trying to be so nice! I’m cranky!

• You have to leave the interview and go straight into a scary meeting with the people who were interviewing you and the big scary chief-general-executive-managing-director of your work area…

• You go to the big scary meeting and the big scary chief-general-executive-managing-director mistakes your sullen demeanour and blood-shot eyes for a critical reaction to his proposals and demands you justify yourself "right this instant"….

• You really feel like at least 43 Bacardis but it is still too soon since the recent memory-loss inducing ‘night on the town’ to be able to stomach alcohol…

Only 68.5 working hours until my Christmas holidays.

Pass the Bacardi.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

When good TV Networks go bad

It must take a certain amount of pluck to write media releases.

I’ve been reading this one from Network Ten, and after getting about half way through it, I’d run out of tea to spit out in disgust and bemusement!

Now, I really quite like Network Ten as a whole (mainly because they have taken no part in the resuscitation of Daryl Somers), and I am quite partial to their programming, as my previous Australian Idol posts may attest. Same goes for my Simpsons addiction.

But I really can’t stop myself from wondering about what they have chosen to highlight in their 2006 line up.

I know they have to try and make their latest collection of cut-price filler look new and original, but c’mon! I’m probably going to watch it anyway, they don’t hafta insult my intelligence at the same time.

Case in point:

TEN’s new Australian programs for 2006 include:
The Wedge – sketch comedy set in a fictitious Australian suburb, from Cornerbox Productions and comedian Ian McFadyen, the genius behind The Comedy Company

I wish there was an emoticon to symbolize me doing a massive double take and spitting tea everywhere. I mean, the way they casually throw ‘genius’ and ‘Comedy Company’ together. Geeeeeeeee. Speechless.

But anyway, the fun don’t stop there folks.

Thank God You’re Here – Working Dog’s latest project, where well-known personalities are dropped into a scene in which they have no idea who they are or why they are there and must improvise their way through

What is a ‘well known personality’ anyway?

Have they deliberately stopped short of promising us celebrities? ‘Celebrities’ are spreading themselves a bit thin lately on account of the number of “I’m a fat Celebrity, get me out of here and help me lose weight by becoming a circus performer on a quiz show” type programs and may no longer be available. At all. For anything. Ever.

And from the squeezing every last drop of programming from a half successful concept until it’s dry school of programming, behold!

Friday Night Games – this adaptation of Big Brother Friday Night Live sees members of the public and celebrities put through hilarious challenges

Australia’s Brainiest specials – eight hilarious episodes, including TV Star, Radio Star, Musician, Cricketer, Footballer, Olympian, Neighbours and Big Brother Housemate.

Guffaw. Guffaw. Guffaw. That last one should be a ripper!

And Friday Night Games sounds a leedle bit like It’s a Knockout to me. Oh well, I guess if there is any prospect of slapstick and prat falls, it will be a winner in our household.

I keep scanning the release for any news as to whether UpLate with Hotdogs will return. But there’s no mention of it! The suspense is killing me!

I know, I know. Its very easy to be critical. So what are my ideas?

Sedition live: Real time broadcasts of ASIO officers interrogating Piers Ackerman and Janet Albrechtsen for dispensing bile and opinion in a manner contrary to the national interest. Could also be called 'This is the real Big Brother, fools!'.

The 'Where are they now?' Australian Idol special: where we get to catch up with all those stinky performers from previous series' auditions who absolutely tanked and then marched out of the audition room chucking a hissy fit to the camera along the lines of "I'm gonna be so big, y'all gonna regret this, I'm gonna show you" etc etc. Expected to include on-location filming at a number of call centres and retail outlets as we truly find out 'where are they now?'...

Australia's Brainiest Maverick Queensland MPs: A 'to-the-death' battle of half-wits, pitching established champion Ms Pauline Hanson against the new kid on the block Barnaby "I am too independently minded! I just happen to vote for every Government legislation that comes across my desk" Joyce. Not expected to last for more than one episode.

Dancing queen

OMG!!! Last night I was dancing with Madonna! On stage! During one of her concerts!

I was bit nervous at first, but Madonna was really encouraging and after a while I totally went off.

And this was after I’d spent the day at a picnic with all the Australian Idol finalists. It was a pretty good picnic, but I did lose my shit at once stage when lots of people were letting their dogs crap all over the place without picking it up.

Emily was pretty impressed with the ferocity of my social conscience. And I was pretty impressed I wasn’t putting the dog crap in Lee Harding’s sandwiches!

So yeah, what a evening! I can’t believe how much I did in a single night!

Without even leaving my bed...

Yes, of course, this was all ‘in my dreams'.

So this morning I came to the conclusion that I may have been listening to the new Madonna album too much. And I'm a little worried that Australian Idol has made it into my sub-conscious (to be fair, I did see the new Kate Deraugo film clip on the news last night).

But pfff! Whatever!

It was still like, the most exciting thing that has happened to me this year!

Well, I mean, except for my illegal wedding, n’ that (note to Lovely Wife – I’m deliberately downplaying the significance of that event for humorous effect! Work with me here).

So anyway, what struck me most was that Madonna was really nice! She totally didn’t even get mad at me when I couldn’t dance and just kind of hid behind a stack of big speakers.

And I’ve heard Madonna can be a real bitch! Well, its not true, she is a real sweet heart, and is totally supportive of people who are out of their depth – take it from me, I’ve danced with her!