A list of things you notice when you’re off work sick and lounging around at home:
1. You can fill the entire day watching news on free to air TV these days. This kind of repetition is a good way to make everything important seem mundane.
2. The devil has made himself into human form and is going under the name of ‘Dr Phil’.
3. All the women in Oprah’s audience are made of plastic (either that, or they spend 5 hours in make-up before the show – get a life, bints!)
4. Judging by the frequency with which the kids that go to the school across the road from my place are out in the playground, it is fair to say that school kids are lazy and don’t work hard enough.
5. The school across the road obviously knew I was going to be at home sick yesterday. Why else would they have decided to schedule a visit from the fire brigade and police? Those pesky emergency services were in on the whole scam and so proceeded to demonstrate their sirens to all the kids over and over again, negating any chance of me falling into a medication-induced slumber. Jerks.
6. Dial-up sucks.
7. Monty Python’s The Life of Brian has dated badly and is the antithesis of funny.
8. Despite rumours to the contrary, you can still buy some really really strong painkillers without a prescription. Not such a good idea to try and drive the oven after taking some.
9. I would go insane as a housewife. Either that, or I would turn into a Stepford wife (by which I mean I would have to get my brain removed in order to survive).