Ee gads.

Just so you can keep up with the office Oscars banter when someone pipes up with "did you see what Jennifer Hudson was wearing?!?"

Employees must wash hands

So I think I may have uncovered the identity of the germaphobe behind the world’s preachiest toilet signs….

I suspect it might be the woman I witnessed pouring a bucket of bleach over the kitchen sink the other day. And then this morning in the bathroom, she sprayed every handle, door and tap with Glen 20 before proceeding with her business.

Upon further investigation I discovered that this woman also has a dustbuster affixed to the wall next to her desk and a pump-pack of that hospital-grade hand-soap.

Man, it must be exhausting being that pernickety!

Send it to the pound (I'm so sorry)

Ten takes a very po-mo, deconstructive approach to the definition of ‘celebrity’

So Celebrity Dog School only managed to scrape together 527,000 viewers on Sunday night (compared to the evening’s top performer, Ugly Betty, with 2 million viewers)…

When will TV execs learn? Any show with ‘dog’ in the title will most definitely live up to its name whilst providing loads of gag-heavy material for TV writers (think Dog Eat Dog and the notorious Dog’s Head Bay).

No doubt the show’s producers are chasing their own tail trying to come up with ideas to prevent it rolling over and playing dead (or eating its own vomit, for that matter). Hopefully they’ll be able to teach the show some new tricks or they’ll be going home with their tail between their legs.

ET CETERA, ET CETERA!

These are basic laws of nature to be defied at your own peril, Network Ten.

For your consideration

So, what does it mean when one of your colleagues has a framed photo of himself up at his desk…?

No one with him, just himself, standing there, looking at the camera.

And there are no other photos or personal items on the desk.

As I see things, we have three choices here:


Or:


Or:


All of the above, I’m betting.

The dread under the bed

Everyone! Quick! Quick! Look over there!












What? Look, back to what we woz saysing about teh climate changez….












No! Over there! Over there!













Huh? What are you talking about?!













Hmmm, now let me see….um…what’s something that people like me for….ah!












That’s it! I’m the man of steel!




















Ok! Ok! Get this – that guy over there….

What about him?

He um, uh, TERRORIST! TERRORIST!

What?

TERRORIST! TERRORIST! If you don’t stop what you’re doing and look where I’m pointing, we’re all going to die!

Ooooo! I can see! He's right! Everyone, look away from what you're doing and look over there!

Where? Where? Lemme see!

There! Look! He’s giving terrorism the thumbs-up! It’s proof, I tells ya.

Oh yeah! I totally forget what I was thinking about before! This is much more important!

Yessssssssss! Still got it!

Dixie chicks flick hicks' sick crit with unrealpolitik

So, washing that negativity right outta my hair...

This was just the thing to perkify my attitude.

"Well, to quote the great Simpsons: 'Heh-heh','' she said, invoking the gloating laugh of a bully character on The Simpsons TV series.

A stonking song, a big fat 'up yours' to George W Bush and a Simpsons quote!

I'm in heaven!

Marry me ladies.

F*ck you too, f*ck-sticks

So I’m having a little trouble finding motivation to work hard for the government this morning.

What an absolute disgrace.

So I’m going to really stick it to them by being diligently unproductive today.

I’ve gotten an extra shot in my gay soy lefty latte, so I’m set for a morning of re-arranging my in-trays, alphabetising my paperclips and spray-dusting my keybort.

That’ll really show ‘em.

This morning on my ride in to work I passed quite a number of comcars.

I found myself checking out all the passengers and realised that if I’d seen Ruddock’s car I probably wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from kicking his rearview mirror off, or punching in his window or something similarly unproductive and no doubt incarcerative (a real word, I promise).

Definition of a career-limiting move, no doubt.




Sigh.



There is no emoticon for the way I’m feeling.

Adult content

This is the packaging for a Cars movie-themed piece of merchandise they are flogging down at the local Big W.

"Racy fun"?! With a kids' toy?

If you say so...

Whilst I was there, I noted a contender for gayest DVD cover-art EVAH! (to the exclusion of actual, proper gay movies, mind you):

What is going on, hot, young Rob Lowe?

What does Patrick Swayze look so pleased about? Lurking there in the background...

I tell you, DVD technology aint all it cracked up to be.

Office disambiguation

Ah, the office sign.

The silent, anonymous mothering presence around the workplace.

Letting you know that you’ve over-stepped the bounds of a stranger’s idea of acceptable behaviour even before you’d even thought of doing so.

They can be a bit cryptic though can’t they? So what do they all really mean?

Let me help you out with some examples of some of the more common ones.

“Free to good home – please take”

When attached to foodstuffs in the kitchen/tea room normally means: “I tried this and it was disgusting. Please try it too, I certainly don’t want it. I can’t believe I wasted $X on this – serves me right for trying to brighten up my dull existence with a pointless consumer product, doesn’t it.”

I can tell you first-hand of the dangers of reading such a sign literally and failing to properly understand the secret warning it contains - I recently took one of these from the tea-room (to which was attached the above noted signage):

The sign don’t lie – that is some awful sh*t people.



Appearing on the inside of each of the 10 cubicles on this floor (that is some serious effort), this one means “I saw someone else’s poo once and almost died. So I now I feel quite comfortable imposing my germophobia onto everyone else by writing a preachy, condescending sign for each cubicle. I probably spray my disinfectant wipes with Glen-20 and have to touch the door-knob 17 times with my elbow each morning before I can let myself leave the house.”

The above also has another, doubly hidden message along the lines of “I’m a complete cretin because I like comic-sans”, but I wouldn’t expect you all to get that one straight off the bat.

Moving back to the kitchen - don't you just hate it when you can't work out what you want to do with your dirty dishes? Do you find yourself just standing around, dumb-struck and completely at a loss as to whether you want to wash your mug, or throw it violently at the nearest wall? Never fear! The anonymous nagger is here!

“You’re [sic] mother doesn’t work here – please do not place dirty dishes, cutlery, cups or glass on bench tops or in the sink. Put them in the dishwasher or simply wash and put them away”

You've probably worked it out for yourselves (now that I've given you all such a solid grounding in sign interpretation), but what the writer of this sign was really trying to say was: “I’m trying to hide my malevolent control-freakiness behind a thin veneer of humour. Whereas in reality, computers made my job redundant 5 years ago and now I have nothing useful to do except trawl the internet for 'cute' graphics of someone doing the washing-up for my poorly written signs.”

Whilst we're in the kitchen:

“Please cover your food when using the microwave.”

I actually quite like this one. It means “scientific studies have shown that nothing smells worse than 10-day old tuna mornay caked onto the microwave walls and reheated about 50 times. Also, despite what you may think, you are the only one in love with your own cooking – no one else wants to relive it every time the microwave is used.”

So there you go. All you people out there with interesting jobs - you are all now perfectly trained and ready to chuck in your current posting and enter into an office job without any fear of inadvertently failing to feel properly nagged and harangued.

Huzzah!