Thursday, December 21, 2006

'Tis the season!

Ah eczema Xmas.

You know, I don’t think there is a time of year more suited to me offending people.

For instance, I really don’t like fruit cake. Can’t stand it actually. Think I’d prefer to drink a salmon milkshake. This is really handy for when workmates, family members or your partner lovingly prepare a Christmas pudding or fruit cake, only for you to turn them down. So many crestfallen faces.

I also don’t like fruit mince pies. These can take a lot of more effort and care to make than some Christmas puddings, so I get to cause extra offence when turning these down. Same goes for rum balls, rocky road and white Christmas – blergh!

Pointless gift buying – another favourite hate of mine. I’m always guaranteed to bang on about the pointlessness of so many of the gifts we buy when in the company of someone who has gone out of their way to get me something pointless and disposable.

Another traditional Christmas activity - spending too much time in the company of family members - really doesn’t do much for me either. Countless opportunities there to put peoples’ noses out of joint by steadfastly refusing to attend every single family gathering organised between Christmas and new year: “what do you mean you’d prefer to go to the beach rather than driving for 45 minutes to your 2nd cousin’s place to watch them open their presents?! Are you mad?”

And let’s not forget the huge potential to step on any religious toes left lying about the place when I pipe up with my predictable atheist grumblings.

And it doesn't even end there - I am not a big fan of New Year's Eve celebrations either. So, on the off chance that by the time 31 December rolls around I am yet to offend everyone I know, I then have the chance to be an utter killjoy and spout off something offensive about New Year's Eve being a meaningless, pack-driven activity. I've found that people who have been looking forward to this party event for the whole year really appreciate my negativity. Who'd have thought.

So yes, this time of year really is a gold mine.

I reckon just as most businesses do 40% of their trading during the Christmas period, I am likely to fulfill at least that proportion of my annual offence-causing quota during this time.

Itchy Merry eczema Xmas everybody!


Sam said...

"Think I’d prefer to drink a salmon milkshake."

Of course you would.

Dirty fat lezza.

In other news: Merry Eczema and Season's Beatings x

Anonymous said...

i like fruit cake..and come on new year just once a year...get out and lets party..

TimT said...

Strive to meet AND beat your offence-causing quota this Christmas! Do it! For the good of the nation!

TimT said...

See? I composed this anthem to encourage you!

Irritation of a nation -
Let's make it grand!

Irritation of a nation -
Lend us a hand!
Let's mass frustrate -
Let's cause some hate -
Let's irritate -
Irritation of a nation!

Georg said...

Er, I think you and I (and a number of others) may have a New Years Eve date in a small town somewhere to the north of wherever. So, no champs for you then?
(I'm JOKING. I can quite understand the New Years Eve depression. My worst was when my then-girlfriend went out and picked up some woman who happened to play for the Matildas and bought her home. I went and watched Strictly Ballroom at the movies by myself and left them to it. Ah, those were the days).

shula said...



Everybody else is just insane.

comicstriphero said...

Sam - Oi! Latent homophobia!

Anonymous "Just once a year" - that's half the problem! It just seems so flase and forced. Don't people have other, more meaningful excuses to party all throughout the year? What's fun about celebrating the 'designated official party night'?

TimT - I love it! And I even know the tune it should be sung to...showing my age somewhat.

georg - I hope your folks' neighbours wheel out the karaoke machine again. Oh wait! I won't be staying there....ha!

shula - Yes! That IS caps-worthy. My new best friend.