Yes! Here we go again! Read on only if you’d really quite like a lot of
disjointed observations about an entirely forgettable television show.
Let's all just get our sniggering out of the way right now, for tonight's show's theme is
number 1s.
GUFFAW!
First thing tonight, most of the
male idols pull out a
gameshow host jog up onto the stage when introduced. Takes me back to the good old days when entertainment =
Tony Barber.
Panning across the ‘crowd’ tonight, I think there may have been some ‘creative sign making’ taught at
Sunday School today with some kiddies in the crowd holding up a cardboard and glitter glue creation saying:
“Deano – chosen by God, chosen by me!”If, as believed by
Whitney Yooston, children are our
future, I’m ending it all now.
This week we see the obligatory
montage of the idols taking “how to dance like a
boy-band member” lessons, led by a couple of suitably
faggy dance coaches.
Does that mean an end to the idols
acting out their lyrics? An end to Courtney Murphy’s brother’s
constipation stance (you know, bending slightly at the knees, squinting and holding out one hand for help)? Dear
God!Klancie with a K is the first to learn how to move like a Young Talent Time reject. With moves like that she’ll be ready for the stage at
Westfields across the country in no time.
A friend and I had a discussion recently – which is worse, a national tour of Workers’ Clubs, or a national tour of
Westfields during school holidays?
We couldn’t decide, but the idols had better
start thinking about this soon as that’s where their
career ‘journey’ will end up.
About now I’m considering a divorce as the
LovelyWife sings along word for word to Klancie with a K’s ‘number one’ (snigger) choice –
If You’re Not in it For Love (or, as sung by Klancie “lah-ah-arve”) by Shania Twain. And then I got in trouble for not knowing the song… (insert raised eyebrows here).
Next time you see Klancie with K, check out her
freakishly protruding collar bone.
Yeech.
Damien Leith has chosen some
Garth Brooks pap, just to prove to the producers that the
number 1s theme IS NOT a guarantee of tasteful song choices. Just lots of
sniggering in this house…
Just want to break in here and say how
horribly unfair it is that this
cretin will get to sing at and therefore attend this coming weekend’s AFL grand final (to see the
mighty swannies go back to back) and I won’t. As Rick would say “Bastards!”
Just another thing to add to the list of justifications for that
killing spree I’m planning –
lousyworldfullofinjustice.Finally,
Damien’s boring boring song is over. He’s more and more like an
Irish Shannon Noll each week, even if he has lost the filthy little flavour saver beard.
Next up on the ‘dance floor’ is
Lavina ‘I’ve got Polynesian soul’ Williams. Not nearly as good-looking in trakkie daks as her sister, but I fear I might be going over old ground there with how
teh hawtness Emily was.
But
snaps for Lavina! She’s singing my
favourite 1986 song ever!
Don’t leave me this way. Let me put it this way, in 1987, the year of my first walkman, I had
one cassette tape – the 1986
Top 40 taped from the radio, and
the Communard’s cover of this song was on it. So therefore, it was my favourite. That, along with
Lady in Red.
Not sure about the entirely untasteful top she’s wearing, what with the abundance of corsetry-style laces all over. More laces than a
converse hi-top. I’m tellin’ ya!
Now, we all know that
Marcia never really says anything of meaning in her comments (viz “I know you tried hard up there tonight and that’s all I’m going to say” = say
what?), but I think she throws in a
“you go girlfriend” when she’s really stumped.
For this reason, I’m thinking of tossing this into
everyday use in my professional life – for those meetings where I know I’m
supposed to be all assertive and confident, but I have
nothing to back up my position with:
Some jerk: “So we’re aiming to take this proposal forward for consideration at the 11 July meeting, does anyone have any objections?”
Me: “I think you still haven’t addressed our earlier concerns, and so we’re likely to oppose its consideration, but you go girlfriend!”
Hmm, I smell a
promotion!Up next,
Courtney Murphy’s brother. I’m hoping the
faggy dance coaches beat the air guitar out of him with a real guitar. Alas, this show brings more disappointment and it is glossed over. But they do pick up on his
constipation singing stance.
Wha?! I was joking
earlier about
Phil Collins being a likely song choice for tonight! But Courtney Murphy’s brother has made a sage of me, singing
“Take a Look at Me Now” – stand by for some obvious jokes about how I’d really
not prefer to.
It seems the faggy dance coaches have cured the constipation stance problem by
gluing his hands to the microphone and stand. Good on ‘em.
The performance was, however, a
pile of vomit.
The
faggy dance coaches can barely conceal their hot, throbbing
man-lust for
Dean Geyer – I’m sure there was more than just a bit of:
“No, Dean, you’re moving your hips wrong, let me just move in here behind you real close so you can follow my movements….uh, yeah, that’s iiiitttt."
What is it with
Dean Geyer and songs from
Triple M’s playlist from 1998-2001? The effect is that every week is just the
same basic performance.
Except this week he is
exceptionally out of tune. Not that this will matter, thanks to the power of 14 year-old girls with
unlimited SMS plans.
Something from the
Goo Goo Dolls this time. Next week, something by
Nickleback or
Three Doors Down, even if the theme is the Beatles or Motown. You’ll see.
Now look, I’d really prefer not to write anything about
Guy Mutton, but for the sake of completeness, here goes.
What an utter
utter tool, this man is.
And to back that up, he’s singing
Hoobastank. Hoobastank Guy Mutton?
Yoobastank. Real
bad.
Jessica Mauboy. She really is Whitney Yooston. I don’t care what you say. Jess sings a “Christina Aguilera classic” (classic - wtf?!?!?)
Beautiful.
She’s wheeled out her
year 10 formal dress for that touch of elegance tonight and I think we should all be quite happy with this song choice.
After
Kyle’s taunts last week I think this would only have been topped if she’d sung that new song
“Shut up Kyle you fat, thick fuck” – but I don’t think that’s hit
number 1 (snigger!) yet, so it probably wasn’t eligible. Shame.
But yes, a ‘touchdown’, which is just as lame a
gimmick as it was in the previous gajillion series. Surprise!
The
faggy dance coaches are quite tactful about
Bobby Flynn in the ‘learning to dance’ montage. At least in
front of the cameras anyway…
Bobby’s singing
Arthur’s Theme and is dressed even more like a
first-year Arts student than ever before.
Bobby’s performance is as close to
muzak in prime time as you’re gonna get and it would be my pick for
worst performance of the night except for Guy Mutton… I can’t honestly pick what audience segment would have enjoyed that.
Thence to
Ricky Muscat, who I reckon probably kicked on with the
faggy dance coaches for a ‘special’ coaching session afterwards, if you know what I mean – and if you get
grotesquely obvious double entendres, then I’m sure that you will.
Ricky’s singing something by
Chicago which being a ‘hit’ from 1982, would have to have been released
before he was born into his life of chemical-wharehouse-servitude. Who picked this? His music teacher?
Lame!Tonight Ricky’s performance is full of boy-band-esque
fist-pumping histrionics.
So yes, I think it’s fair to say there’s
definitely been some one-on-one ‘body movement’
coaching going on (or ‘getting it
awn’ – you choose).
Lisa Mitchell is the last contestant so the end is in sight – for this recap and for Lisa Mitchell. Well, I can only hope – on both counts.
She’s singing Vanessa Carlton’s
A Thousand Miles.
Tomorrow’s headline –
“Vanessa Carlton travels many thousand miles to take revenge on Lisa Mitchell for singing her only hit like a strangled cat having its temperature taken”.
Mark Holden is still desperately trying to justify his previous “best thing musically to come out of this country” comment, so he
wiggles his way up her arse just that little bit more with some fakey fake praise.
So yes, the end of another instalment of my
bloggy-come-lately Australian Idol recapping.
Do I have a
tip for tomorrow night’s boot-ee?
I’m going to have to go with
Ricky Muscat to at least be in the bottom three, and maybe also
Courtney Murphy’s brother – but that’s just me hopin’.
Does
Bobby Flynn have any fans? He’s going to need them.
But I shouldn’t make such
predictions – I constantly predicted
Shannon Noll would drop off the face of the competition, but even now he’s still around, wailing about in his
computer-enhanced voice (it’s like vocal air-brushing, and it makes him sound like a
Bee Gee).
Note that the verdict show will be on at an odd time due to the live telecast of
Adam Goodes winning his second Brownlow.
Yeah baby!
