Sunday, September 17, 2006

Rock, paper, scissors, assisted suicide.

I’m giving this live blogging thing a go for tonight’s Australian Idol.

Be nice, it’s my first go.

07.30 The show starts with a reminder of what happens when you bring Richard Marx into the homes of the country – YOU GET BOOTED, just like Joseph whatshisface. Who we’ve all already forgotten about.

07.31 This week’s theme is ‘rock’ – so will we see power ballads or powderfinger? I’m REALLY hoping for some Warrant (‘she’s my cherry pie…’) or some Van Halen. I think I might be disappointed…

If I were playing a drinking game, it would include a ‘take a chug’ for every time someone said ‘rock chick’ or ‘rock god’. And it looks like everyone think rock = 1970s rock or just not shaving for a week.

07.34 Oh God, Mark Holden just made his first ‘devil’ finger sign. It’s going to be a long 90 minutes.

07.36 So, if the stylists have spent ages ‘transforming’ the idols into ‘rock gods’, does that mean that each will get grilled by the judges for “not being true to themselves”, as they did last week? I expect consistency in my reality TV, so they better had.

And why are we seeing a montage of the stylist’s childhood? This has to be THE NEW LOW for Idol filler material.

Kicking off with Ricky “Jorge Bek killah” Muscat. And he’s going to murder some Franz Ferdinand. Choice.

Dear God, this is almost “Daniel Bell singing Robbie Williams” bad (please watch the linked video if you've not seen it before - gold).

I think the LovelyWife is going to bring up her dinner. I’m glad Tobias is currently asleep. I don’t want him learning the swears she is currently dishing out.

07.48 I’m starting to think Lisa Mitchell is a one-trick pony – can she do anymore than mumble along in her kooky accent? I doubt.

One minute into her performance and the LovelyWife asks, “is she singing yet”? I have to support her here (the wife, that is), Lisa’s being consistently out-sung by the back-up singers. Oh wait, sorry, she has black nail polish on. OMG so HARDCORE!

07.53 Do they script these piss-weak fights between the judges? If I could be bothered pressing the ‘7’ button on my phone that many times I’d text “zzzzzzzzzzzzzz” to 199-revenue raising Judge.

07.54 Has anyone noticed that the new upper level of the stage has a ‘hand painted’ sign for each performer which have so obviously been made by the props department?

They’ve obviously tried to make them look as though fans have brought them in, but they’re too neat and the letters spelling out the names (which are correctly spelled – a massive give away) are evenly spaced and don’t get all bunched up towards the edgewhenthespacerunsout…

07.56 Guy Mutton. All I’m going to say is that I’m never actually going to type or say the nick name they’ve given him.

Hang on a sec. He’s shadow boxing? To coldplay? I was eating some off strawberries before. Maybe I’m hallucinating. Whilst I know that ‘vomit’ is not ordinarily used as a noun, that was a real vomit of a performance.

08.01 He just did the “phone me” mime into his microphone. DIE DIE DIE.

08.06 Klancie with a K – not sure yet how I feel about her. She did sing the Dixie Chicks, which gains points. Chances are she’s a National Party voter and has been to a B&S Ball, so minus a million points for her.

She’s singing something from 1986. Wikipedia defines 1986 as a common year starting on Wednesday of the Gregorian calendar. On January 21 the first National Hugging Day was observed and on October 11 Ronald Reagan and Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev met in Reykjavík, Iceland, in an effort to continue discussions about scaling back their intermediate missile arsenals in Europe (the talks break down in failure).

Woops! I totally got easily distracted and missed out on Klancie’s performance! Damn it!

08.16 Bobby Flynn. The stylist describes him as “an individual” and says that there’s “nobody like him in the competition” and says this with the desperation of someone trying awfully hard not to say “he has a square head and a big, 1980’s woman’s hair cut”.

Wow. Bobby sings a bit like he’s having a seizure. Lots of closed eyes, jolted movements and high-pitched squealy noises. Maybe dogs will vote for him, as I think only they can hear some of his notes.

08.23 Reigan Derry. Reeeeeeeeeeigan Derry. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeigan Derry. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeigan Derry. Oh, sorry. Just trying to keep myself entertained while she’s singing.

Oh no. That’s a shame. Reigan is acting out the lyrics with hand movements (pointing to her eyes when she sings “so glad you see” and pointing to the ground when she sings “bring me down”). Going to have to hack off her arms with a rusty hacksaw for that.

08.33 Damien Leith looks like he’s going to a fancy dress party dressed as a ‘rocker’. Ten out of ten, ‘style’ department. He’s about as ‘rock’ as a christian air guitar contest.

Damien sings track 3 from “rock songs by men who sing like girls” – Radiohead’s Creep. More like ‘cretin’, if you ask the LovelyWife. He’s wearing a t-shirt that says “Buddhist” and is wearing a crucifix. Rock on!

I have to say, I don’t really like any of this year’s contestants. I don’t even really hate any of them either. Makes it really hard to blog about them. This might end up being a one-off exercise.

08.44 Up next is Whitney Houston Jessica Mauboy. Oh wait, tonight she’s being Kelly Clarkson. Cute. But she still manages to slip in a couple of Whitney-style glory notes and random, gratuitous “wooo” noises throughout the verses.

Oooo! Kyle just called her fat! Reowr! Scripted controversy! I like.

08.50 Ahhh, Courtney Murphy’s brother. I really like to loathe this guy. He only has one move on stage – crouch slightly whilst closing eyes and holding up his non-microphone hand. You watch next week. You’ll see.

Tonight he has also brought his air guitar. Tonight he is wearing denim. Tonight, he’s about as close as it gets to getting David Brent out on stage to sing.


There’s a slow hand clap starting up in our house for the end of this show.

One of the recurring ads this evening is for the Monster Trucks at the Canberra Greyhound club . Wow! You’re all so jealous you don’t live here, huh!

09.00 Okay, the show should be over now, but we still have 2 performers to go. The first of which is DRUG MUFFINS Lavina Williams. Now, long time CSH afficianados may remember I had a bit a thing for Emily Williams last year.

Let me tell you the feeling doesn’t appear to run in the family.

The LovelyWife says she reminds her of Jennifer Coolidge.

Maybe not.

Dang! I missed another whole performance! I think it was just a 2-minute long glory note anyway.

So this is like, my longest post evah!

09.10 Dean picks another song from the LovelyWife’s list of “songs she wishes never to hear again” – something called ‘Shimmer’, that I think was the only song on the radio in 1998.

9.15 So that’s all the singers done now. I can’t believe I blogged the whole thing! As Kim Beazley once said after a commanding performance in Question Time: NEVER AGAIN!


thisisme said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha - I only saw a bit of Lavina and Dean - so glad I missed the rest!

grundnorm said...

oh my. i had forgotten the awfulness that was that daniel belle "rock dj" performance. thank god for youtube.

Georg said...

No, on the contrary, I think you need to give this live-blogging thing another go. Such brilliant 'performances' deserve real time scrutiny. I was disappointed there was no Survivor, no Heart (how can you do rock chick without doing Heart). And what about Queen? Some fat bottomed girls? And if one of them ever does a Franz Ferdinand song AGAIN I will top myself.

Zoe said...

I thought Ricky's FF was great, and I loved the crazay eye thing too. Bobby was as boring as bat poo.

Thank you for providing this service ; )

Ampersand Duck said...

You made it so real for me. Do it again, and I might even be able to do the 'water-cooler' thang and sound like I know what's going on. Please.

Pavlov's Cat said...

Noice, if harsh, but you left out the high point of the night, when someone texted Judges to ask Kyle why he'd trashed Jessica's jellybelly and then not said anything about what Chris Murphy looked like in a t-shirt. From the utterly blank look on Kyle's face I deduce he did not get that this excellent texter was making a feminist point.

I quite like Bobby but someone needs to tell him quickly that that hand movement he does looks an awful lot like the sign language for 'wanker'.

I want Damien to win. I think Damien and Reigan are the only real musicians in the competition (yes, I know this has nothing to do with anything) and Reigan is a bit of a pain.

shula said...

Just wanted you to know that I hold you and the Lovely Wife entirely responsible for me spraying coffee all over my computer monitor. More than once.

And I don't even watch Idol.

Canberra's best kept secret, methinks.

Anonymous said...

That was FABULOUS. Live blogging agrees with you, obviously. Now all you need to do is REPEAT THIS EVERY SINGLE WEEK FOR THE NEXT TEN WEEKS, and I will be happy. That's not too much to ask, right?

Anyway, it's good training for when I expect you to recap the Wagnerian ridiculousness that is the grand finale.

comicstriphero said...

Ok y'all, we'll see.

Start posting the beer money now and you might get lucky.