Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Knock before entering

Various goings on here at my place of employ have propelled me from the gloriously democratic and not at all demeaning cube farm and into an ‘office’...

While the move is only temporary, I have nevertheless gained insights into a whole new world of workplace crapulence.

Because I have a heart of gold, I thought I would share these with you – I am all aglow with the spirit of giving that St Kerry Packer has left us with in his death, you see.

Firstly, I’ve never gotten away with so many unnoticed down-the-front-of-the-shirt lunch spillages in my life! I might even think about eating a mango at my desk. Or even a taco! Not that I eat tacos...

Secondly, I don’t think the people who congregate to gossip in the photocopy room next door realise that for some reason (probably due to the air-conditioning vents, or because modern open-plan offices are divided by walls made of industrial-grade marshmallow) I can hear precisely everything they say.

I wish I didn’t. There is only so much I wanted to know about most-hated-of-colleague’s bowel obstruction.

Thirdly, I don’t think I’ll be able to make a little bed under the generously sized, L-shaped desk (a la George Costanza) . There just isn’t enough space to construct a little ledge for my reading lamp, alarm clock and disturbingly large array of moisturisers. Maybe I’ll call Renovation Rescue – its about time I got in on that whole ‘get something for nothing’ TV culture that’s going on at the moment.

Fourthly – as I am now situated along the main corridor, I now know when everyone comes and goes of a workday, and I reckon you should all be concerned because on my completely accurate and gloriously professional amateur polling data, only about 13.48% of public servants are working their core hours and are therefore wasting tax payers’ dollars.

Corridors are now also, apparently, the place to complete those last 3 sets of lunges you didn’t get to complete at gym that morning. Lunges, let me tell you, are not flatteringly completed in a business skirt-suit and high heels. Although as I presume you are not all dribbling idiots, I would expect you to know this. My colleagues on the other hand….

Lastly, I have come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no need for people at this level of 'seniority' to actually have an office at all, other than to feel special and secluded (and, maybe, to sneak a couple of lines midway through the afternoon).

Go and ask your manager. I’m sure they’ll agree, if they aren’t quietly cleaning up spilt salad dressing from their shirt.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Ground Zero

As I appear to be the only sucker who has turned up to work on this vexed Friday, jammed between a public holiday and a weekend, I thought a little game of ‘spot the difference’ might be in order.

Picture A – The Cronulla ‘Definitely not Racially Motivated’ (according to Johnny) Riots.

Picture BAd for new Coke 'Zero'

Yeah! That was fun, huh! Let’s play again.

Picture A – Cronulla riots

Picture B – Ad for new Coke 'Zero'

This is even more addictive than that ‘whack the penguin’ time-wasting computer game!

Picture A - The Cronulla Riots

Picture B - Ad for new Coke 'Zero'

So what was your score? Zero?

Thought so.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The not-so-fantastic-four

Thanks to the duckmeister for the 'Four Things' meme tag. Now, here is some hot, steamy meming action!

First of all, I'll admit that this was a test of my integrity. Let’s face it, who isn’t tempted to doctor these things to make oneself look really interesting and sophisticated?

What do you mean ‘no, not me’? What's that you say? You’ve got 'morals'? Shut up!

So anyway, excuse me if I lapse into narcissistic fibs every now and then. I’ve tried to control myself, really I have!

Four jobs you've had in your life:

1 Paralegal in a medical negligence firm (forget those Woman’s Day pictures of ‘When Plastic Surgery Goes Wrong’, I’ve seen the real thing and yes, boob implants do explode!)

2 Professional tennis player Waitress in a corporate hospitality tent at the tennis (I got to see a colleague spill beer on Anita Keating)

3 Professional football player Retail wench in a sports footwear outlet (rorting the generous returns policy of the major manufacturers was my was of atoning for the fact I was supporting sweat-shop labour industries)

4 Really interesting but top secret government job Faceless bureaucrat (I’m really really good at wasting your tax dollars)

Four movies you could watch over and over:

Look, I’ve developed this really terrible memory problem of late (or maybe I’ve had it for a while, I can’t remember – boom tish!) so I’ll probably complete this list and then days later think of all the cool movies I wish I’d put down instead (edit: what, you mean like early David Lynch movies, and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure?)

1 Napoleon Dynamite

2 Spaceballs

3 Best in Show

4 Go Fish (I know it’s the worst movie ever made, but I had to include it - its a self-awakening type of thing)

Notice how I didn’t even bother trying to lie on this one? I’m PROUD of my cultural anemia.

Four places you've lived
So you’re telling me that places I’ve imagined don’t count? Whatev! So. Picky.

1 Somewhere in the suburbs of Sydney (they’re all the same anyhow)

2 South Newtown (whilst it wasn’t strictly speaking my home, I spent 6 nights out of 7 there when I first met the Lovely Wife)

3 Newtown

4 Various Canberra suburbs (now they’re all the same)

Four TV shows you love to watch:

Too many to choose!

1 Dateline Degrassi Junior High

2 Foreign correspondent Bromwell High

3 Lateline Law and Order SVU (don’t look at me like that! Look at Mariska Hargitary – reowr!)

4 ABC Election night coverage Voltron

Why, yes! I am incredibly smart, clever and sophisticated! Thanks for noticing!

Four places you've been on holiday:

1 Alaska Tasmania

2 London Kangaroo Island

3 Warsaw Victorian Alps

4 New York The Gold Coast

So very depressing.

Four websites you visit daily:

1 Google (well duh)

2 This really excellent blog called ‘comicstriphero’. Gee its good. Make it your homepage.

3 www.smh.com.au (just so I can sneer at its commercialism, honest)

4 Kawasaki sports bike riders’ forum Because I is just a dirty stinkin' biker after all

Four of your favorite foods:

1 Vietnamese rice paper rolls

2 Angel hair pasta with parmesan, butter and poppy seeds (try it, its amazing)

3 Toasted tomato, rocket and boconcini sandwiches

4 Anything that comes on a little train (sushi!)

Four places you'd rather be:

1 Pre-renovation Wembley, during an FA Cup final (is going back in time going to be a problem?)

2 Playing rugby again (going to need a knee operation for that one)

3 Paul Keating’s Australia (again, there were no stated rules about going back in time)

4 Coogee Women’s Pool. Paradise.

So there you go. Aren’t I sophistimacated? No? Fair call.

If it is any consolation, I’m just as disappointed with me as you are.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Best be holding your noses then...

If you’ve come to this blog and found yourself sniffing around and curling your upper lip a bit, thinking:

“Peeeeeeyew! What the heck-aroo is that awful smell? That smells worse than those 3 month old potatoes I found liquefied at the bottom of the pantry the other day!”

Then please, let me explain.

I went to see The Producers last night, which, probably in part because of my amazing short-term memory loss of late, was, as far as I can remember, the stinkiest movie that ever stunk.

Boy, that movie sure did stink! It outstunk an electrified stinking machine on the stinkiest day of its stinking life!

Matthew Broderick? In a musical? YEEEeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh. Yeech. Ewwww. Blergh.

And so on and so forth.

The stink was so strong that it infected my skin and despite furious scrubbing and such, and trying to wash it out of my system with the brilliant Bromwell High (you is better be watchin’ it, bitches) I just can’t seem to get rid of the stink!

So that's probably why it is a bit whiffy 'round here today.

The plot, if you don't know, pretty much involves some movie producers setting out to create a really bad Broadway show, which they hope (on the basis of some dodgy accounting practices) will make them their fortune. I got the feeling half way through this movie that the audience was falling foul of a real life version of the movie's fictional sting.

Its been a long time since I’ve been to a movie and had people walking out in the first 20 minutes. I think the last time this happened was when I went to see Mission Impossible 2. And then it was I that was walking out early (see, I do have some taste).

But where was I? Oh that’s right. Bloody Matthew Broderick. The weasel. He got to kiss Uma Thurman. Repeatedly. On the lips!

Matthew Broderick? Kissing Uma Thurman? I mean, COME ON.

I can believe that hot dancing girls, wearing nothing but pearls can magically appear out of filing cabinets and start up a chorus line – I can believe that I’ll admit to liking big, outrageous musical numbers - I can believe that Uma Thurman can dance – I can believe that a Mel Brooks movie can still get made in 2005 – but Matthew Broderick? Kissing Uma Thurman? Puh. Lease.

Worst. Remake. Of a play which was a remake of a movie. Ever.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Praise the lord, and pass the ammunition

So I’m tossing up whether or not to see the “Its not a gay cowboy movie” (Brokeback Mountain).

The LovelyWife is very keen, and I guess I should go considering I’m a ... you know ... Cowboy gay (my wife an I are the only gays in the village, don’t you know).

Plus Fred Nile says I shouldn't see it, so I pretty much have to.(Fred and I have a close personal bond - he thinks he can tell me what to do with my life and I think I should end his).

But I always have the same dilemma with mainstream portrayals of gay storylines. At first, everything always seems to be going along nicely and it feels good to see relevant storylines/characters and be able to identify with them blah blah, empowerment, blah blah, uplifting, blah blah.

But then, all of a sudden, everything will turn to sh*t and all the bad stuff in the movie/play/book/tv show will happen to the gay character(s).

All the lesbians either turn straight, get bashed, get evicted and addicted, get assaulted and knocked up, or turn into homicidal axe-wielding maniacs. All the gay men get HIV/bashed/fired/estranged/bad haircuts/dead.

This of course, conveniently reminds us all that being a gay is evil and will only lead to trouble in your life (you see, I'm such a duffer that sometimes I forget).

Gotta tell ya, this isn’t always enjoyable to watch. Not least because it can get a bit depressing, but also because these stereotypes always get me rather fired up. Punching the telly, whilst therapeutic, can be dangerous and expensive.

So do I see the movie?

I’ve deliberately not looked into the specifics of the storyline in case I do want to see it – I don’t want to spoil it. So I’m not really sure how it ends, but I’m guessing that a story involving a close personal relationship between two men in American Cowboy country in the 1960s might also involve themes of repression, self-hatred, homophobia, family break-up and denial.

Its just a hunch.

Tell ya what I will be seeing, that new Uma Thurman movie The Producers.

If its just 90 minutes of Uma doing silly dancing, well um, *dribble dribble*, hang on, *dribble dribble* let me just check the session times.

Sorry, gotta go.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

You put your left foot in...

A little while back, um, not so long ago, er... A long while back Pavlov’s Cat tagged me with a ‘weird habits’ meme.

Its not just laziness and apathy that have held me back on this one.

I’ve really been trying very hard (honest to goodness) to think of some, and I’ve even consulted with the LovelyWife, but I really can’t come up with any good ones. Or, at least, any that are suitable for a general audience ... erm, yeah.

There’s just not a lot that I think is weird about me (am I self-centred? Who cares!).

Here’s the best I could do:

1. I always have to put my left shoe on first.
2. I like to use talcum powder.

Wow. That was entertaining.

So what I’ve decided to do is compare myself to everyday standards of modern society and see if there is anything I can find that might seem weird in comparison. Lets see….

1. I like to wash my hands after I use the bathroom (as previously noted, no one else does, so I must be a weirdo)
2. I like to use my indicator and check my blind spot whilst driving
3. I also like to drive along with all my wheels in one lane, rather than spreading myself across as many lanes as I can
4. I can’t stop myself from cleaning any mess I might make in the office kitchen (so weird!)
5. I pay cash for small purchases rather than wasting mine and everyone else’s time with a credit card transaction for a packet of chewing gum and a mars bar.
6. If I am at the pub and I know someone else has been waiting longer than me at the bar, I’ll let them get served before me (off the planet!)

Clearly, I am a freak.

So I’m going to send this meme to Stack to see what she comes up with. Something related to boring boring books no doubt...

Monday, January 09, 2006

Hi-ho. Ho-hum.

Here I am, back at work. Or, more accurately, my place of employment (no a lot of 'work' going on around here right now).

Here I am, instantly procrastinating by compiling two lists related to my first day back...

Not so hot…

1. That really depressing feeling you get when you realise that it feels like you never left, nothing has changed, and it is a long time until your leave entitlements start to accrue again.

2. All the empty desks around the place – if my holidays have ended then everyone else’s should have as well, dammit.

3. Discovering that all the pesky, fiddly, annoying little jobs that I’d left unfinished before my leave haven’t magically resolved themselves whilst I was away, despite all my wishin’ and hopin’.

4. Opening up my email to find 15 bulk emails from friends/relatives/acquaintances telling me how wonderful Christmas is in Salzburg, New York, Basra, etc… Shut up already.

5. Opening up my email to find a so-called friend had thoughtfully emailed me a picture of Lee Harding with the sole intention of pissing me off on my first day back. Thanks a lot. Now, where’s my enemies list...

6. Once again sharing a bathroom with strangers and the various unhealthy odours that are associated with this pleasure. And when did washing your hands become optional, anyway? Filthy, filthy people.

7. Watching my tan fade.

Slightly on the plus side (a very short list, this one)

1. Really bitchin’ fast (and apparently unmonitored) internet access.

2. The motivation to blog that only being at work can provide.

Back at work? Got something add? Let us all know how many food items you left rotting in the work fridge over Christmas...